A reading from the First Book of Lambiticus, Chapter 4, Verses 9.15-9.21
In which book doth the unnamed scribe of Possilonia relate of many wondrous endeavours: of the wandering of the Jaggites from the arid howling deserts of Pertyck to the crossing of the sacred waters of the Nolly and to the consecrating of the Ark of the Nolly in the Temple of the Shed in the year Anno Lambiticus one thousand nine-hundred and nine; to the parables and miracles of the great prophet Johannes Lambiticus; to the majestic deeds of the Jaggites in sacred raiment of vermilion and primrose; and to the joyful happenings and sorrowful torments of the twelve tribes, and of the miraculous assumption of the prophet Lambiticus into Heaven; and the waiting of the Jaggites for the New Messiah of the Second Coming.
And so it cameth to pass, after the third reign of the prophet Lambiticus had ended, on the ninth day after the Passover, the prophet Lambiticus, Messiah of the Jaggites, didst cry out at the sixth hour ‘Eloi, Eloi Lama Sabachthani’, which means in Aramaic, ‘Ma heid’s buzzled’, and yielded up his spirit to the Lord. Then there was darkness over the whole earth until the ninth hour. Excepting the Plains of Ehrdriy, which dwelleth in eternal darkness.
And after the sixth hour, there was unto the twelve tribes of the chosen people, the Jaggites weeping and keening and great cries of sadness; from the gutters of Possilonia; from the villa-dwellers of the Hill of Jordan; from wallie closes of Land of the Hynds; from the sacred Nolly by the Fair Hill and the Rough Hill and all beyond the lofty towers of the Roontohl; from the Valley of Spam, and the Loch of Baal, even unto the Nauld of Cumber, and even yet unto the bleak wilderness of the Uttermost of the Hebrides; from the Elders of the Shed, and from the Pharisees of the Basin, and form the Nomadic tribes of the Jaggites who wander the earth in the Pool of Blackness and amongst the Gens Norvegicus, there arose a wailing. All these didst lieth down and didst weep for the Messiah Lambiticus who had thrice led them from the wilderness to the land of EssPeeEhl, the land of milk, honey, locusts and parachute payments.
‘By the waters of the Nolly bank, yea we sat down;
We hanged our scarves and bunnets on willow branches,
We wept until our eyes were like unto the fishpools of Heshbon when we remembered Lambiticus;
Our enemies required of us mirth, our tormentors required of us a song;
How can we sing the Lord’s song, Johnnnes-Lambitcus-Vermilion-and-Primrose-Army, now the Messiah is gone from amongst us?’
Whereupon the other tribes of the EssPeeEhl, the foes of the Jaggites by name: the Hunnites and the Timmites, the Jamboites and Wellites, the Killieites, and the Donites, whom like the latter day Saints of the town of St. John’s, lieth with the beasts of the field; and the wandering uncircumcised Gyppoi, the minions who are called the Queens of the Sodomites, and the Eherdriyonions, fugitives and vagabonds in the Plains of Ehrdriy – which in Hebrew means ‘stinking pit of ordure, midden of the in-bred’, which doth be a habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and den of every unclean beast and cage of every hateful bird of carrion and corpses; all these infidels, all save the sons of Hamilcar Academicus, didst mock the Jaggites, saying ‘Where is thy Messiah Now? Ye be doomed to perdition and relegation!’
But thus had spake the prophet Lambiticus in prophecy some years past, in a tongue that was neither Hebrew nor Hittite, nor Philistine nor Aramaic, nor even north side urban patios: ‘And letteth this be as but a parable and a warning to the infidels. And woe be unto he who calumniates against mine own people, the Jaggites, for vengeance is mine; thrice woe and a slew of three times three plagues upon the wicked and evil who rejoiceth and maketh mirth in the bondage and sorrow of the Lord’s chosen people.
‘First up are thae big-heided soap-dodging beggar bastarts fae parkheid, for unto the over-proud Pharisaic Timmites shall be visited a plague of lice and boils, and expensive foreign diddies;
Unto the knuckle-dragging Hunnites who waveth the Butcher’s Apron, I shall sendeth a plague of creditors and speculators, and seven years wandering in the abomination of desolation that is called the wilderness of the Park of Murray;
Unto the lamb-defiling Donites, I shall send a plague of flesh eating sheep ticks to gnaw their manhoods and gonads (which in Hebrew means ‘baws’) as the locust devours the ear of grain;
Unto the Jamboites, known in Aramaic as the Purple Hunnites, I shall send a plague of sandstorms which will blindeth the fcukwitted buffoon Leeveen and a pestilence that will causeth his bowels to fester with rottenness and his belly to burst;
Unto the Hibees, I shall cause the street price of crack, in the gutters of Leith and in the slums of the Ton of Pil, to multiplieth by thrice times thrice;
Unto the Killieites, I shall send a plague of tractor disorders for forty days and forty nights, whereupon their harvests shall wither on the vine, and bitter famine shall stalk their fields;
Unto the Wellites, even I – the prophet Lambiticus – know whereof no punishment which could worsen the vile condition of this lowest form of life in all heaven and earth;
And unto the Ehrdriyonians, for in the day of Airdriemaggedon they shall suffer the eternal weeping and gnashing of teeth of the wicked and sinful, the depraved and degenerate; from this foul mire will arise a stench like unto the scrotum of a camel thirteen days in the desert, or like unto the pisspot of the junkie Hibee; the thrice in-bred Ehrdriyonians shalt be consumed in the everlasting fires which are prepared for Satan and his seed; there doth be nae windaes to lick in the smouldering depths of Satan’s fire.’
Vox Lambiticus, vox Dei.
And it cameth to pass that on the seventeenth day after the Passover the mortal remains of the Messiah were borne aloft from the Temple of the Field of Bruce in the holy city of the Burn of Whit, wrapped in an ephod of vermilion and primrose with the sacred symbol of the Jaggites, the ‘Criocus Benedcitus’ or ‘Blessed Thistle’, and laid unto rest in the holy sepulchre of the Road of the Manse. For the cities of Lotheean of the West on the plain of the pit bings – the House of Fauld, the Kemmet of Paul, the Long Ridge and the valley of the Burning Stones – had been turned into barren howling wasted wildernesses by the genocidal sorceress Thatcher and the swivel-eyed lower-than-verminous Tebbit thirty years past, thus fulfilling the prophecy:
‘There shalt cometh an evil witch of Grantham Town,
Yea, the Power and the Glory;
She shalt screw thee up and shalt nail thee down;
Beneath the Waves of Tory.’
The Jaggites had begun to prepareth for great feasting and revelry with fatted calves and oxen to be roasted, bitter herbs and honey and figs and dates; hyssop and arrack in crystal vessels; a thousand white doves were released from the doocots of the Burn of Whit; and the musick of pipes and shawms and trumpets and harps as unto the air of life; and bone fires on hearth stones and dances in long circles until the dawn of the morning after the Prophet’s entombment. Thus did the Messiah Lambiticus, who thrice redeemed the Jaggites from all their iniquities, go unto his eternal reward, his tombstone inscribed thus: ‘Hic Jacet Johannes Lambiticus, Messiani Mirabilis Jaggitus: Atque Sic Transit Gloria Lambiticus.’
And when the feasting was over, then beginneth in sorrow and in woe, as unto the Israelites, the waiting of the Jaggites for the New Messiah of the Second Coming.