jimdelahunt

Jim Delahunt was most certainly NOT bottom of the big hero league this weekend just gone whilst attending a certain Perthshire based wedding. Jim Delahunt was the guest of honour and delivered an utterly STIRRING speech which reduced the entire place to a sobbing wreck! After partaking in several VODDIES at the free bar with my big pal, Mark Hateley, Jim Delahunt met a Richard Ashcroft lookalike who was simply DELIGHTED to have met a true and genuine celebrity such as myself! The end of the evening was signalled by Hateley decking it into the wedding cake whilst dancing to Big Country, spoiling the TRULY fetching pair of tartan trews he was sporting. Using his unrivalled charm, winning smile, and excellent dress sense Jim Delahunt smoothed things over with the disgruntled bride and the group of HEAVIES who were on the verge of landing a punch or two on Hateley's coupon. A limousine was swiftly ordered on Jim Delahunt's personal account and the entire party was transported to my outstanding Trendy West End Pad where the bottles of Bollinger flowed until the wee hours. Delahunt does it again!

Jim Delahunt is without question the SEXIEST man to have ever graced the TELEVISION!

Jim Delahunt was also in full glorious attendance at Wednesday's game but was in DISGUISE as the mere sight of his majestic coupon would have UNDOUBTEDLY sent the 8875 strong crowd into a FRENZY of delight and a riot would have ensued. Me and Hateley, my big pal, sported a couple of luxurious trench coats and bumped some specs off that utter BAWSACK Tam Cowan to blend in and SPECTATE in SECRECY!

That Jim Delahunt has, without question, the most unbelievably EXCELLENT personality and is a man of FASHION!

Jings, there's a blast from the past in Jim Delahunt's LENGTHY catalogue of BURDS! When big Shereen Nanjiani used to jet off on holiday to Jamaica, Jim Delahunt would sometimes meet big Viv in the canteen 'for a coffee' behind locked doors if you understand. Tragically I only occasionally see big Viv when she's getting booted out of the club in Oran Mor for being too HAMMERED. Being an upstanding man of honour, Jim Delahunt buys her a cheeky wee donner out of 727 and bundles her into a fast black to take her back to her pishy wee flat as she would undoubtedly RUIN the lairy party me and Hateley would be having back at my gaff with all the wee dawls of BYRES ROAD! Ah missed you too big man. How's Chantelle? Hazel has been nothing but an utter LET DOWN and Jim Delahunt will soon dismiss her in favour of a new model. I'm just off now to make another complaint to Twitter about that IMPOSTER that is posing as yours truly on the INTERNET and spreading bile and LIES. When they discover that Jim White is responsible, we'll be having words, let me assure you.

Jim Delahunt, what an absolute HERO, full backing of the MEDIA, solid ABS with brown hair of GLORY circa awww the time!

Another DEEPLY inspirational piece, big man, you are IN THE DRAW! ALSO, it's REMARKABLY accurate for a legendary Delahunt night out with Hateley. Were you, per chance, the bloke we met down TENNENTS one fateful evening who DEMANDED that we all jump in fast black and head to the Polo Lounge for an evening of trials, tribulations and TECHNOLOGY? It was a valiant offer, but if I remember rightly, we had an evening of passion arranged down at the Stand to watch Chico Charnley's latest stand up routine. IF you are the LUCKY winner, Jim Delahunt will allow you to choose one of what will undoubtedly be MANY venues for our BIG NIGHT OUT! An honour only usual bestowed upon tried and trusted members of the MEDIA! Phwoar!

Consider yourself ENTERED, big chief! I must say, the other poems were DEEPLY uninspiring, much like a holiday to Ardrossan with only Rob MacLean for company and NAE BEVVY! Your ode to Jim White being a BAWSACK brought a tear to yer Uncle Jim's eye (which usually provide ZERO tears of emotion!) I'm just away to phone Bobby Williamson and arrange his flights and ALSO a cheeky rendezvous up ORAN MOR way for a serious meeting of minds and comparing of sizes! Oo-err!

Well, big chief, all you have to do is send a DELIGHTFUL looking postcard to yours truly's utterly majestic trendy west end pad with your name scrawled over it and seal it with a loving KISS (and maybe a cheeky tin of Tennents)! Alternatively, Jim Delahunt will also accept a PRIVATE MESSAGE with a poem dedicated to his glory or a poem about how much of an utter TADGER Jim White is! THEN Jim Delahunt will broadcast a LIVE draw over the INTERNET with Bobby "Man of Africa" Williamson handling drawing duties. The LUCKY lad or lady will be in for a day that will UNDOUBTEDLY surpass the birth of any children they may have, wedding days, or when Chunky Ian McCall invites his EXCLUSIVE media pals to have an ALL NIGHTER in his upmarket public house, the GOAT! Get the entries in and we'll be SURE to get MANY beers in on the BIG DAY!!

If Ayr do the DEED and stay (keepy) up, Jim Delahunt will select one LUCKY FAN at random to accompany him down to Somerset Park in his state of the art LIMOUSINE! You will be accompanied by me (after pulling a cheeky sickie from CLYDE 1!), Hateley, and MAYBE even John "Abs of Adonis" Collins! An absolute honour, I know. Limo Delahunt is full to the gunnels with CRISTAL CHAMPERS and a few cheeky cans of RED STRIPE courtesy of my big pal, Russell Latapy, who will be our driver for the day. When we get to Ayr pished as VERY expensive farts, the terraces will be ours and we can belt out songs of PASSION and bask in the Ayrshire cloud. Having drank the limo dry, we can stop in at the delightful ALDI on the way home and stock up with CANZ which will serve as a truly glorious warm up to our night ON THE TOWN (diamond dawls!). Entries on a postcard! Cor!

Andrew "Dr Robotnik" Murray was once defeated at Dowanhill Lawn Tennis Club by my former Scotsport associate, Andy "Main Man" Walker. Murray was DEEPLY upset with the result and after shedding MANY tears of HUMILIATION, attempted to jump the Main Man on his way out of the club! He was UTTERLY dismantled, as Jim Delahunt had been waiting for Big Chief Walker outside so they could go and get pished oot their coupons and reminisce about days of old. A swift Delahunt brogue to the ribs did the damage, and wee sacks Murray was left making the Trendy West End look UNTIDY! Phew!

As Jim Delahunt is a man of CONNECTIONS, he will not turn up to your retirement party, BUT will arrange for all members of The Exploited to make a GUEST APPEARANCE. There is no need to thank Jim Delahunt for this service, but instead you will be required to pen a song dedicated to my GLORY and perform it with The Exploited at my trendy west end pad! You can PM to arrange a time and date. Afterwards we can get fair torn into my stash of extremely high quality, imported, limited edition, personally signed by the direct descendants of Mr Artois himself, bottles of Stella! There will be tears, let me assure you! The Challenge!

Sometimes, whilst on a Sunday Hangover Wander due to all the BEVVY consumed the previous night, Jim Delahunt enjoys taking in some Sunday League FITBAW. When Jim Delahunt notices a team getting PUMPED, he takes it upon himself to instate himself as the team's manager to instil some INSPIRATION and IRON into the team. At half time, a STIRRING SPEECH is issued and occasionally Jim Delahunt unveils his rippling, TONED, dogged, and absolutely correct torso so the team can truly appreciate the results of my Trendy West End diet and general hunk-like qualities. Without fail, the team are DEEPLY inspired, turn things around and, with the memory of yours truly's jaw-dropping torso fresh in mind, MARCH to victory! It may reassure you to ken that Jim Delahunt will carry out a similiar act if Craig Levein and his specks balls things up and deliver qualification FAILURE!

Jim Delahunt is going to attend today's game sporting a DELIGHTFUL new haircut! It was the envy of all who had the honour to witness it last evening when me, Hateley and Tom Boyd were EJECTED from "Azure" for DEMANDING that its name be changed back to VICCYS! Jim Delahunt is going to start his own club called VICCYS where only those on Jim Delahunt's EXCLUSIVE EXECUTIVE list of EXCELLENCE will be permitted entry. Editing!

Jim (Hero) Delahunt is going to drag Chunky Ian McCall from his West End HOVEL and DEMAND a full, thorough, concise, exhausting, and STIMULATING explanation for what the BLOODY hell he thinks he's playing at. Gerrard Britton and his 50 pence head may have to also make an appearance in order to give the full effect of FEAR and STIMULATION! If Jobby's explanation does not meet Jim Delahunt's unbelievably HIGH standards of JUSTICE, then I will make a cheeky wee phone call to my close, personal, STIMULATING pal who works on the doors of VICCYS, and ENSURE that Chunky Ian McCall NEVER darkens its doors AGAIN! No more VIP section (where all the wee dawls SWOON over yours truly) for him, let me assure you. I'm just away to phone my big pal, Mark Hateley, to ask if he has any tips of INTERROGATION!