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A Reading from the Second Book of Lambiticus

Semi Nurainen

By Semi Nurainen
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Semi Nurainen

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A reading from the Second Book of Lambiticus, Chapter 5, Verses 4.17 – 4.27

 

In which book doth the scribe Jacob of Possilonia relateth of many wondrous and sorrowful happenings: of the wandering of the Jaggites from the arid deserts of Pertyck to the crossing of the sacred waters of the Nolly and to the consecrating of the Ark of the Temple of the Shed in the year Anno Lambiticus one thousand nine-hundred and nine; to the parables and miracles of the great prophet Johannes Lambiticus; to the majestic deeds of the Jaggites in sacred raiment of vermilion and primrose; and to the joyful happenings and sorrowful torments of the twelve tribes, and of the miraculous assumption of the prophet Lambiticus into Heaven; and to the coming of the false prophet – the Onanist of the Cauld Well, and the waiting of the Jaggites for the New Messiah of the Second Coming.

 

4.17

And so, it cameth to pass, when three hundred and seventy-five days hadst passed since the entombment of the prophet Johannes Lambiticus, Messiah of the Jaggites, on the holy Passover sabbath that the Jaggites didst arraign to meet the Waspavians on the field of battle.  And at the sixth hour, there cameth unto the hearts of the twelve tribes of the chosen people, great disquiet and apprehension.

 

4.18

For it hadst cometh also to pass that the witless and clueless Sanhedrin of the Board hadst appointed the Onanist of the Cauld Well to lead the Jaggites into battles. And after six months the other tribes of the Ship of Champions of Alba, all these infidels, didst mock the Jaggites and laugheth them to scorn, saying ‘Where is thy Messiah now? Ye be doomed unto perdition and relegation!’

 

4.19

Thus, through defeats and home draws, and yet more defeats the Onanist of the Cauld Well hadst led the Jaggites into the Slough of Despond; conversing in a tongue that was neither Hebrew nor Hittite, nor Philistine nor Aramaic, nor even north side urban patios, but in a constant dribble of meejah-speak, set down upon the tablets of the Sanhderin, couched as though clever parables:

     We doth be in a good place at the moment!

     We doth be stronger than ever!!

     We doth look back with real confidence!!!

     Our league position doth be irrelevant!!!!

 

4.20

And these four heresies struck dread and terror into the hearts of the Jaggites; when they didst hear Cauld Well uttereth these inanities, they didst look at the League Table and Cup Results and they saw that the race had not been to the Jaggites, nor had the battle been to the followers of Lambiticus, but that the chosen people had been worsted the upon the plain of the pit bings by the legions of the Eastern men of Fife (who lieth with the beasts of the field, whence flesh-eating sheep ticks gnaw their manhoods); and by the minions who are called the Queens of the Sodomites (of whom is it said, they doth likest their fudge closely packed); by the purple Hunnites of Jambo (led by the fcukwitted slavering buffoon Leeveen), and by the rancid Hi-bees, whose stench is like unto the junkie’s pisspot; and, yea, humiliated even by the thrice in-bred, windae-licking, Mortonites of the Green Oak.

 

4.21

And the hosts of Jaggites didst remember the days of the Field of Chester and the Gan of Wi, and didst shuddereth at the prospect; they wepteth and remembereth Lambiticus. And the Jaggites didst wail unto the heavens:

     ‘How canst we sing the Lord’s song, “Johannes-Lambitcus-Vermilion-and-Primrose-Legions”?’

 

4.22

And the Jaggites didst look, and Lo!, they beheld a sudden vision: a pillar of cloud formed over the sacred waters of the Basin; and they heard the voice of Johannes Lambiticus saying:

‘How canst thou believe in the false prophet of the Cauld Well? Dost thou knoweth not that the Sanhedrin of the Board are pissing down thy necks and telling thee that it doth be raining? How canst thou listen to the slavering sh1te of the Sanhedrin and believe the foaming ramblings of the Cauld Well? How canst thou suffer the sacred ephods of vermillion and primrose, and the ‘Criocus Benedcitus’, or ‘Blessed Thistle’, to be thus shamed?

And letteth this be as but a parable and a warning to ye, for I shalt vouchsafe thee a vision of seven years in the wilderness; and it doth be a barren, howling, wasted wildernesses even worse than the West of Lothyan or the Inver of the Clyde. For the sin of venerating the false prophet, the Onanist of the Cauld Well, unless ye repenteth then the Day of Airdriemaggedon is now at hand for the Jaggites!’

 

4.23

An Lo!, the when the pillar of cloud didst melt, thaw, and resolve, the Jaggites didst plainly see the vision vouchsafed by the prophet Lambiticus – an apparition didst appear of the fixture list for League One.

And the Jaggites looked and they saw a premonition of abomination and desolation: the Jaggites being slaughtered by the wandering, uncircumcised Gyppoi (whose name, in Aramaic means 'fugitives and vagabonds'); by the Ehrdriyonians (whose name, in Hebrew, means, ‘stinking pit of ordure, midden of the in-bred, a habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and den of every unclean beast and cage of every hateful bird of carrion and corpses); and even by the vermilion-coated myrmidons of the embarrassing and preposterous Bunnet. For verily hadst the day cometh unto the Jaggites whereupon, in penance for the iniquity of venerating the false prophet of the Cauld Well, they didst suffer the eternal weeping and gnashing of teeth of the wicked and sinful, the depraved and degenerate. From this foul mire, which was once a sacred Basin of fragrant willow-ringed waters, there didst arise a stench like unto the scrotum of a camel thirteen days in the desert, or like unto the piss-stream of the junkie Hibee.

 

4.24

And all the tribes of the Jaggites began a great weeping and keening: from the gutters of Possilonia; from the villa-dwellers of the Hill of Jordan; from wallie closes of the Land of Hynd; from the sacred Nolly by the Fair Hill and the Rough Hill, and all beyond the lofty towers of the Roontohl; from the Valley of Spam, and the Loch of Baal, even unto the Nauld of Cumber, and even yet unto the bleak wilderness of the Uttermost of the Hebrides; from the Elders of the Shed, and from the Pharisees of the Basin; and from the Nomadic tribes of the Jaggites who wander the earth in the Pool of Blackness and amongst the Gens Norvegicus, there arose a great wailing. All these didst lieth down and didst weep for the Messiah Lambiticus who had thrice led them from the wilderness to the land of EssPeeEhl, the land of milk, honey, locusts and parachute payments.

 

4.25

And they didst weep thrice more until their eyes were like unto the fishpools of Heshbon. And they lamented that they ever didst hear the name of the false prophet Cauld Well, and wished upon him a pestilence that wouldst causeth his bowels to fester with rottenness and his belly to burst, and his gonads (which in Hebrew means ‘baws’) to be consumed in the everlasting fires which are prepared for Satan and his seed, and sports meejah Onanists.

And on the field of the battle against the Waspavians, the Jaggites didst cry out:

‘Lambiticus, Lambiticus, Lama Sabachthani’ (which means in Aramaic, ‘Lambie, Lambie, oor heids ur buzzled, why hast thou forsaken us?’) and they yielded up their prayers to the Lord. And they repented of their worship and idolatry of the Onanist of the Cauld Well, and burnt his effigy, scattering the ashes unto the sacred waters of the Basin.

 

4.26

And the battle of the Jaggites and the Waspavians didst commence; and the Waspavians, led by Jacob of the Benificent Victory, smote the Jaggites as the battle reached the thirteenth minute. And woe was unto the Jaggites, and even the fan-bois of the Onanist hungeth their heads in shame and prayed; and they made supplication to the Lord high and they cried loudly that Cauld Well was indeed a false prophet.

And they didst pray in the words of the true prophet Lambiticus, saying, ‘Ne nos inducas in relegationem, sed libero nos a Onanismus’, which in Roman means ‘Lead us O Lord from relegation, but deliver us from the Onanist.’

And the Lord saw his chosen people wert suffering and wert truly repentant. And He didst cause the spirit of Lambiticus to enter the hearts of the Jaggites, and tongues of flame burned above their heads, and they rose up and smote the Waspavians twice; through Scipius Mhic Dómhnaldus (which in Gaidhlig, means Skippy, Son of Donald), and through Josephus of Cardelius (a Sassanach, and citizen of the Dubh Linn, or the Pool of Blackness). And the Waspavians didst withdraw, spent and decimated by the righteous Jaggites, and they didst retreat up the Via M-Novem unto Parcus Recreationem (which in Roman means ‘grubby wee sh1tehole out in the sticks’).

 

4.27

And then there was a sudden quiet over the Temple of the Shed; and there was darkness over the whole earth until the ninth hour. Excepting upon the Plains of Ehrdriy, which dwelleth in eternal darkness.

 

Vox Lambiticus, vox Dei.

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Rid Skwerr Jags fan

Rid Skwerr

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3 hours ago, Semi Nurainen said:

‘Lambiticus, Lambiticus, Lama Sabachthani’ (which means in Aramaic, ‘Lambie, Lambie, oor heids ur buzzled,

I claim influence over today's win, having chosen to wear my John Lambie tee-shirt bearing this very legend (not the Latin bit - the Whitburn-speak bit)

I shall sport it again to Ayr on Tuesday and to all subsequent games (until it witnesses a loss).

 

Big thanks to Semi for the reading from the scriptures - a very clever parody and requiring no little effort, I'm sure.

Hats off to you, sir.:worship:

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