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A reading from the Third Book of Lambiticus:


Semi Nurainen
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St Paul’s Epistle to the Possilonians.

 

5.12

And the spirit of Johannes Lambiticus, Rex Jaggae, and true prophet of the Lord, didst arise in the hearts of the Jaggites, and the Elders of the Basin – who wert alive in the days of David, Son of Parland and witnesseth the slaying of the giant Timmites of Lisboa upon the plain of the Den of Hamp, and who wert shining ensamples to all that believeth in the teachings of Lambiticus, these pillars of the Temple of the Shed – recalled the words of the Messiah (inscribed in Assyrian, Hebrew, Aramaic and north-side urban patois):

‘Facilis decensus Relegationem;

Nocte atque dies,

Patet atri porta janua Leaguem Unum.’

 

5.13

Which translated from the Roman means, ‘Easy the descent to relegation; night and day the black door of League One lies open.’ And so it came to pass that the Jaggites, under the Onanite Caldo, didst findeth themselves staring at the stinking pit that leadeth to relegation, perdition and oblivion. For, verily I say unto Ye, that it is easier for the camel to go through the eye of a needle, or for the Scottish football journalist to writeth two consecutive words of truth or sense, or for the Pharisaic Über-fan to be humble than it is to recall your step from the maws of this pit, to return to the upper air, and to remain in the Ship of the Champions of Alba.

 

5.14

And in these latter days, the Eyhrites were leddeth by the bloated Buhntyr, who had been blinded by the Lord for his iniquities; for Buhntyr hadst blasphemed against the Lord and forsaken the true and narrow way of righteousness and had strayed unto the primrose path of the heretical lore of the secret sigils of  Qaballah, which is wizardry, and which with all he defiled himself in sacrilege and blaspemy; he hadst dwelt in the halls of the Brooks of Lad and hadst worshipped the graven idol of Joseph of Corralaiah in the byres of the road of the West; he didst utter the four sacred and forbidden names of Yahweh: Peshat, Remez, Derash and Sod (which in Hebrew means,  ‘doubles, trebles, accumulators and tricasts’).

 

5.14

And before the first battle in the schire of Eyhr, sacred home of the Dalry Lama of the tribes of the winding Eyhr, the Lord spake unto the blinded bloated Buhntyr in a dream, saying ‘Lift ye not a sword or a spear, nor yet even a cudgel or a stone against the Lord’s chosen people, the Jaggites, or thou shalt be cast into the everlasting fire which is kept for thae big-heided soap-dodging beggar bastarts fae Parkheid, the over-proud Pharisaic Timmites; for the knuckle-dragging Hunnites who waveth the Butcher’s Apron, made red with the blood of a million subjugated peoples including those tribes of Alba and Dál Ríada; but most especially for the thrice in-bred Ehrdriyonians, the vilest form of life which doth disfigureth God’s earth and for whom there will be nae windeas tae lick in the smouldering furnace of Satan’s eternal fire.’

 

5.15

And the bloated Buhntyr didst repent most contritely of his wickedness and when he was again able to open his eyes, Lo! he couldst see. And so, at the first battle the tribes of Eyhr struck not a blow against the Jaggites; the Lord’s chosen people were victorious, and the prophecy of Robertus Conflagrationus, seer of the honest tribes of Eyhr was fulfilled:

‘Auld Eyhr wham ne’er a team surpasses,

For wasted ba’s and misplac’d passes.’

Whereupon the tribes of Eyhr, in their grief and woe hanged their harps upon willows and sang the Lord’s song: ‘We detesteth the Killie tractor boys more than Ye’!

 

5.16

And it didst looketh unto the Jaggites as though that the days of their sojourn in the tents of Kadar (which in Aramaic means, ‘second tier’) were, like their vaunted shorts at the front, numbered; and the vision of Pisgah, the promised Land of Esspee-ehl, was vouchsafed unto the Jaggites.

But in sooth, they had not with them Scipius of Antipodea in the second battle, and they failedeth woefully and miserably to overcome the tribes of Eyhr . For the bloated Buhntyr, having recovereth his sight, couldst see all the failings and shortcomings of the Jaggites, whereas the Onanite Caldo couldst see nothing: the lumbering Harko of the Slow Step; the donkey Storey of the misplaced Pass; the inability of the Jaggites to string passes together, and the inability to find Josephus of Cardelius in space. And Lo! The Jaggites were humiliated on the field of the Fair Hill.

 

5.17

And verily the Jaggites could yet still be worsted by the wager-cheating Arabs of Khappylow of the Green Oak (or, in Hebrew, Mortonites) or the Waspavian tribes of Ahlohaa. And so, the Onanite Caldo began to array his captains and rulers in cloth most gorgeous, all of them desirable young men, to make war against the Smith of Nay, who was King of the Queens of the Sodomites on the Field of the Town of the Palmers. And the Onanite Caldo didst sayeth unto the Jaggites, ‘Slay ye every one these men that were joined unto Smith of Nay and spare none; thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou slay all before Ye.’

 

5.18

For the Queens hadst caused the Lord to detesteth them for their sin was very grievous; the cities of the Plain of Solway and Gomorrah in the land of Dun Phries and Galilee were but wastelands of abomination, and the people of Solway and Gomorrah were wicked and lustful sinners before the Lord exceedingly: men with men, who wert jockeys of the sausage, lifters of cassocks, eaters of the ringpiece, and felchers of the Seed of Man; women with women, who wert the devourers of hirsute carpets, and lickers of tuppence; men with beasts of the field, lamb-defilers who preferreth the fur to the fud; women with bulls and stallions as in the days of the Hellenties; and those that didst practise Onanism with bongo and grumble-flicks on t’internet and didst wasteth and spilleth their spoff upon the very keyboard; and even unto those that didst sever off their tallywhackers and clockweights and didst turn their boabies inside-oot to maketh beef curtains, a deed which, verily I say unto Ye, passeth all understanding.

 

5.19

And yet there were those amongst the Jaggites who rose up in the judgment of this generation of the followers of the Onanite and his fan-bois, and who didst say, ‘Doth this not proveth that the once-prodigal bloated Buhntyr, now humbled and repentant, is a true disciple of the prophet Lambiticus? Verily doth this not showeth that it be this chastened one, who should leadeth the Jaggites unto the Promised Land? The Onanite is an impostor, take him and crucify him like unto the false Messiah of Nazareth!’

Remembereth Ye the so-called Miracle of the Dugouts, which was but a meejah stunt which hadst no effect; remembereth Ye the so-called Miracle the tablets of stone that wert turned into Power Points; these were but false miracles. Didst the Onanite not speak in Tongues unto the Sanhedrin of the Board, and bamboozleth with deceit the Lowest of the Lowe, right-ring shytehouse and quisling to the tribes of Alba?

Didst he not spouteth shyte about promotion and a return to the Promised Land? And what do we have now O Lord? Where hath he led us, if not unto the very gates of Perdition and oblivion?

 

5.20

And so from the slums of Possilonia; from the villa-dwellers of the Hill of Jordan; from wallie closes of the Land of Hynd; from the gutters of the sacred Nolly by the Fair Hill and the Rough Hill, from the True Cross of the Queens and all beyond the lofty towers of the Roontohl; the Nauld of Cumber, and even yet unto the bleak wilderness of the Uttermost of the Hebrides; and from the Nomadic tribes of the Jaggites who wander the earth in the Pool of Blackness and amongst the Gens Norvegicus, there arose a great consternation on the Dome of the Bing as to the doings of the Onanite Caldo, usurper of the mantle of Lambiticus. For was it not said by the great Lambiticus that, ‘There shall be false prophets also among Ye, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, and many shall follow their pernicious ways.’ And the prophecy, they said, hath come true with the Onanite Caldo.

 

5.21

 But wherefore and howsoever couldst the Jaggites, in their simplicity, be consoled in their terrible and sorrowful grievings? And at the eleventh hour, weary with many battles, and gazing upon the brimstone pit of relegation and perdition, some went out by the Basin, where lay the Carraig a’ Baintreach (which in Gaidhlig, means the Rock of the Widow) and flungeth themselves unto their watery graves in the sacred waters of the Nolly; this forsaken place, this Gethsemane, didst cause widows and orphans to mourneth. And some of the Jaagites went out and took their scarves of vermilion and primrose and hanged themselves on the willows of the Nolly bank; and others of the Jaggites went out and wept bitterly at the sophistry and deception and plain fornicating uselessness of Caldo the Onanite, and yet others went out and didst spendeth their shekels on hyssop, arrack, and harlots.

 

Vox Lambiticus, Vox Dei.

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12 hours ago, Semi Nurainen said:

St Paul’s Epistle to the Possilonians.

 

5.12

And the spirit of Johannes Lambiticus, Rex Jaggae, and true prophet of the Lord, didst arise in the hearts of the Jaggites, and the Elders of the Basin – who wert alive in the days of David, Son of Parland and witnesseth the slaying of the giant Timmites of Lisboa upon the plain of the Den of Hamp, and who wert shining ensamples to all that believeth in the teachings of Lambiticus, these pillars of the Temple of the Shed – recalled the words of the Messiah (inscribed in Assyrian, Hebrew, Aramaic and north-side urban patois):

‘Facilis decensus Relegationem;

Nocte atque dies,

Patet atri porta janua Leaguem Unum.’

 

5.13

Which translated from the Roman means, ‘Easy the descent to relegation; night and day the black door of League One lies open.’ And so it came to pass that the Jaggites, under the Onanite Caldo, didst findeth themselves staring at the stinking pit that leadeth to relegation, perdition and oblivion. For, verily I say unto Ye, that it is easier for the camel to go through the eye of a needle, or for the Scottish football journalist to writeth two consecutive words of truth or sense, or for the Pharisaic Über-fan to be humble than it is to recall your step from the maws of this pit, to return to the upper air, and to remain in the Ship of the Champions of Alba.

 

5.14

And in these latter days, the Eyhrites were leddeth by the bloated Buhntyr, who had been blinded by the Lord for his iniquities; for Buhntyr hadst blasphemed against the Lord and forsaken the true and narrow way of righteousness and had strayed unto the primrose path of the heretical lore of the secret sigils of  Qaballah, which is wizardry, and which with all he defiled himself in sacrilege and blaspemy; he hadst dwelt in the halls of the Brooks of Lad and hadst worshipped the graven idol of Joseph of Corralaiah in the byres of the road of the West; he didst utter the four sacred and forbidden names of Yahweh: Peshat, Remez, Derash and Sod (which in Hebrew means,  ‘doubles, trebles, accumulators and tricasts’).

 

5.14

And before the first battle in the schire of Eyhr, sacred home of the Dalry Lama of the tribes of the winding Eyhr, the Lord spake unto the blinded bloated Buhntyr in a dream, saying ‘Lift ye not a sword or a spear, nor yet even a cudgel or a stone against the Lord’s chosen people, the Jaggites, or thou shalt be cast into the everlasting fire which is kept for thae big-heided soap-dodging beggar bastarts fae Parkheid, the over-proud Pharisaic Timmites; for the knuckle-dragging Hunnites who waveth the Butcher’s Apron, made red with the blood of a million subjugated peoples including those tribes of Alba and Dál Ríada; but most especially for the thrice in-bred Ehrdriyonians, the vilest form of life which doth disfigureth God’s earth and for whom there will be nae windeas tae lick in the smouldering furnace of Satan’s eternal fire.’

 

5.15

And the bloated Buhntyr didst repent most contritely of his wickedness and when he was again able to open his eyes, Lo! he couldst see. And so, at the first battle the tribes of Eyhr struck not a blow against the Jaggites; the Lord’s chosen people were victorious, and the prophecy of Robertus Conflagrationus, seer of the honest tribes of Eyhr was fulfilled:

‘Auld Eyhr wham ne’er a team surpasses,

For wasted ba’s and misplac’d passes.’

Whereupon the tribes of Eyhr, in their grief and woe hanged their harps upon willows and sang the Lord’s song: ‘We detesteth the Killie tractor boys more than Ye’!

 

5.16

And it didst looketh unto the Jaggites as though that the days of their sojourn in the tents of Kadar (which in Aramaic means, ‘second tier’) were, like their vaunted shorts at the front, numbered; and the vision of Pisgah, the promised Land of Esspee-ehl, was vouchsafed unto the Jaggites.

But in sooth, they had not with them Scipius of Antipodea in the second battle, and they failedeth woefully and miserably to overcome the tribes of Eyhr . For the bloated Buhntyr, having recovereth his sight, couldst see all the failings and shortcomings of the Jaggites, whereas the Onanite Caldo couldst see nothing: the lumbering Harko of the Slow Step; the donkey Storey of the misplaced Pass; the inability of the Jaggites to string passes together, and the inability to find Josephus of Cardelius in space. And Lo! The Jaggites were humiliated on the field of the Fair Hill.

 

5.17

And verily the Jaggites could yet still be worsted by the wager-cheating Arabs of Khappylow of the Green Oak (or, in Hebrew, Mortonites) or the Waspavian tribes of Ahlohaa. And so, the Onanite Caldo began to array his captains and rulers in cloth most gorgeous, all of them desirable young men, to make war against the Smith of Nay, who was King of the Queens of the Sodomites on the Field of the Town of the Palmers. And the Onanite Caldo didst sayeth unto the Jaggites, ‘Slay ye every one these men that were joined unto Smith of Nay and spare none; thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou slay all before Ye.’

 

5.18

For the Queens hadst caused the Lord to detesteth them for their sin was very grievous; the cities of the Plain of Solway and Gomorrah in the land of Dun Phries and Galilee were but wastelands of abomination, and the people of Solway and Gomorrah were wicked and lustful sinners before the Lord exceedingly: men with men, who wert jockeys of the sausage, lifters of cassocks, eaters of the ringpiece, and felchers of the Seed of Man; women with women, who wert the devourers of hirsute carpets, and lickers of tuppence; men with beasts of the field, lamb-defilers who preferreth the fur to the fud; women with bulls and stallions as in the days of the Hellenties; and those that didst practise Onanism with bongo and grumble-flicks on t’internet and didst wasteth and spilleth their spoff upon the very keyboard; and even unto those that didst sever off their tallywhackers and clockweights and didst turn their boabies inside-oot to maketh beef curtains, a deed which, verily I say unto Ye, passeth all understanding.

 

5.19

And yet there were those amongst the Jaggites who rose up in the judgment of this generation of the followers of the Onanite and his fan-bois, and who didst say, ‘Doth this not proveth that the once-prodigal bloated Buhntyr, now humbled and repentant, is a true disciple of the prophet Lambiticus? Verily doth this not showeth that it be this chastened one, who should leadeth the Jaggites unto the Promised Land? The Onanite is an impostor, take him and crucify him like unto the false Messiah of Nazareth!’

Remembereth Ye the so-called Miracle of the Dugouts, which was but a meejah stunt which hadst no effect; remembereth Ye the so-called Miracle the tablets of stone that wert turned into Power Points; these were but false miracles. Didst the Onanite not speak in Tongues unto the Sanhedrin of the Board, and bamboozleth with deceit the Lowest of the Lowe, right-ring shytehouse and quisling to the tribes of Alba?

Didst he not spouteth shyte about promotion and a return to the Promised Land? And what do we have now O Lord? Where hath he led us, if not unto the very gates of Perdition and oblivion?

 

5.20

And so from the slums of Possilonia; from the villa-dwellers of the Hill of Jordan; from wallie closes of the Land of Hynd; from the gutters of the sacred Nolly by the Fair Hill and the Rough Hill, from the True Cross of the Queens and all beyond the lofty towers of the Roontohl; the Nauld of Cumber, and even yet unto the bleak wilderness of the Uttermost of the Hebrides; and from the Nomadic tribes of the Jaggites who wander the earth in the Pool of Blackness and amongst the Gens Norvegicus, there arose a great consternation on the Dome of the Bing as to the doings of the Onanite Caldo, usurper of the mantle of Lambiticus. For was it not said by the great Lambiticus that, ‘There shall be false prophets also among Ye, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, and many shall follow their pernicious ways.’ And the prophecy, they said, hath come true with the Onanite Caldo.

 

5.21

 But wherefore and howsoever couldst the Jaggites, in their simplicity, be consoled in their terrible and sorrowful grievings? And at the eleventh hour, weary with many battles, and gazing upon the brimstone pit of relegation and perdition, some went out by the Basin, where lay the Carraig a’ Baintreach (which in Gaidhlig, means the Rock of the Widow) and flungeth themselves unto their watery graves in the sacred waters of the Nolly; this forsaken place, this Gethsemane, didst cause widows and orphans to mourneth. And some of the Jaagites went out and took their scarves of vermilion and primrose and hanged themselves on the willows of the Nolly bank; and others of the Jaggites went out and wept bitterly at the sophistry and deception and plain fornicating uselessness of Caldo the Onanite, and yet others went out and didst spendeth their shekels on hyssop, arrack, and harlots.

 

Vox Lambiticus, Vox Dei.

Superb!

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