A reading from the Third Book of Lambiticus:

[Semi Nurainen]

Second Epistle to the Possilonians

Chapter 7, Verses 5.21– 5.31 - Jaggites Vanquish the Wandering Uncircumcised Gyppoi.

5.21

In which book doth the scribe Jacob of Possilonia relateth of many wondrous and sorrowful happenings: of the wandering of the Jaggites from the arid deserts of Pertyck to the crossing of the sacred waters of the Nolly and to the consecrating of the Ark of the Temple of the Shed in the year Anno Lambiticus one thousand nine-hundred and nine; to the parables and miracles of the great prophet Johannes Lambiticus; to the majestic deeds of the Jaggites in brilliant ephods of vermilion and primrose; of the Pharisees of the Basin, Elders of the Shed; the Keepers of Board and the Nephilim of the Trust; and to the joyful happenings and sorrowful torments of the twelve tribes of Jaggites: from the gutters of Possilonia, and the dives of Ruhn Toll, from the tent-dwelling tribes in the Town of Mil, the Rough Hill and the Fair Hill, from the dens of the Braid of Garb, from the uttermost parts of the Land of Hynd; and the wally-close-dwellers in the End of the West and the villa-dwellers of the Hill over Jordan, and the issue of the Vermilionus Simianus, and also the wandering Jagii Nomadici.

 

5.22

It cameth to pass that during the terrible days of the close season in the abomination of the wilderness of the Ship of Champions of Alba, some Jaggites hadst gone to the Basin, where layeth the Carraig a’ Baintreach, which in Gaidhlig, means the Rock of the Widow and flungeth themselves off unto their watery graves in the sacred but deadly waters of the Nolly; for, they said, ‘We have becometh a very laughing stock unto the uncircumcised Gyppoi and unto the wager-cheating Mortonites who doth slobber in the mires of Khappylo’; and  some of the other Jaagites hadst gone out and took their scarves of vermilion and primrose and hanged themselves on the willows of the Nolly bank, saying ‘Our dishonor tortureth us, our shame overwhelmeth us’.

 

5.23

Wherefore didst those who were left gather by the banks of the sacred Nolly where doth grow the Criocus Benedictus, or Blessed Thistle, to prayeth for a sign of the New Messiah of the Second Coming. And they disdt fast for seven days and seven nights.

 

5.24

And there were those amongst them who didst sayeth that the Prophet of the Cauld Well was the New Messiah; and there were also those, in contrariness, who didst sayeth: ‘Beware of false prophets, which cometh unto you in sheep's clothing, for inwardly they doth be ravening wolves; beware of those who doth move the sacred dugout, for these were placed by our forebears and our forebears’ forebears, and woe unto he, whether in levity or blasphemy, should layeth his profane hand upon a dugout; and beware he who handeth out white envelopes for he is a gatherer of grapes of thorns, and figs of thistles, and a follower of Onan. For verily, the so-called striker he signeth, the one who is called Keneemillah, couldst not scoreth in a barrel of Jezebels if he was given a puddy up.’

 

5.25

And yet there were those who didst say, ‘Wherefore thus: didst we not smite the Queens of the Sodomites upon their ain midden? Didst we not survive destruction in the Ship of Champions of Alba? Hath we not slain the rabid Ehrdriyonians (whose very name, in Hebrew, means, ‘denizen of stinking pit of ordure, midden of the in-bred habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and den of every unclean beast and cage of every hateful bird of carrion and corpses)? Didst we not brush aside like snaw aff a dyke the Corinthian centurions of the Queens of the Park? Didst we not display courage and fortitude against the myrmidons of Hamilcar Academicus? Whenfore didst the Jaggites last have such a good opening to a season? Have we not rid the Sanhedrin of the Board of the incompetent Jaylo, right-wing shytehouse and quisling to the tribes of Alba? Thus, wherefore is the Prophet of the Cauld Well NOT the true Messiah? Hath he not taken down from the mountain, the sacred tablets of stone and turn them into Power Point for ye?’

 

5.26

And there were those who didst remembereth the prophecy of the prophet Lambiticus who didst sayeth: ‘Ye shall know the days of the coming of the true prophet who is my successor. For in these days, there shall be floods and tempests and in these days also shall the Jaggites most dreadfully smite the benighted, wandering, uncircumcised Gyppoi. If the house of the Jaggites surviveth these tempests, and the Gyppoi be vanquished and driven back to the abomination of desolation which is the Nauld of Cumber, then shalt ye knoweth that the true Messiah is amongst ye.’

 

5.27

‘And in these days shall appear Four Linesmen of the Apocalypse: one shall haveth a flag of vermilion, made scarlet by dipping in the blood of the vanquished Gyppoi; and one shall haveth a flag of primrose, made yellow by being dipped in the pus from the syphilitic gonads of the Ehrdiyonians; one shall haveth a flag of black – as black as the tents of the Gyppoi, or the gangrenous limb of the Hibee junkie, or as black as the beef curtains of the Nubian bimbo; and one shall haveth a flag of white, as of the lily, as of manna, and as of marble, and represents the purity of heart of the true Jaggite.’ This was the prophecy of Lambiticus.

 

5.28

And, verily, in the year Anno Lambiticus two thousand and nineteen, the rain descended, and the floods cameth, and the winds bleweth, and tempests rained down upon the Dome of the Bing, beateth upon the Ark of the Nolly, and shooketh the pillars of the Temple of the Shed; and Lo! the  house of the Jaggites fell not. And the Lo!, too, the hordes of the uncircumcised Gyppoi whose name, in Aramaic, means fugitives and vagabonds were disperseth to the four corners of the stadium, as foretold by the prophecy.

 

5.29

And some of these Gyppoi were tormented with devils and cried out fiercely ‘Eloi, Eli, Comeonrabullywee’, which in Roman means ‘what a *****-baws I am’; and at the sign from the Cauld Well the demons went out of the Gyppoi and into a herd of dugs from the plains of Jabesh-gilead: and, behold, the whole herd of dugs ran violently up the Road of the Hill of Firs into the nolly, and perished in the waters.  And the Jaggites didst score three and yet they shatteth the bed only twice.

 

5.30

And the eyes of the Jaggites were liketh unto the fishpools of Heshbon, for they wept with joy (and relief), and they didst sing, in Hebrew and Aramaic, the Lord’s song, ‘Johannes-Lambitcus-Vermilion-and-Primrose-Legion’ well unto the ninth hour.  

 

5.31

And there were those who didst witness these miraculous happenings, and they marvelled, saying, ‘What manner of man is this, that he can cure even the demented, blaspheming Gyppoi? And they didst begin to wondereth if the Cauld Well was indeed a true prophet and successor of Lambiticus.

 

Vox Lambiticus, vox Dei.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Semi Nurainen
missed a bit as usual

[Jaggernaut]

[dl1971]

Brilliant! 

[Jordanhill Jag]

As Always amazing - Blessed are the Possilites from the Tribe of Torr and Sloy 

[Guest]

Another most outstanding piece of work. I most enjoyed the "puddy up". Beautiful, thanks once again semi

[Flycatcher]

Four Linesmen of the Apocalypse:

 

class

[lady-isobel-barnett]

OK, I don't feel too comfortable highlighting one particular piece of prose. The Reading in its entirety is just so braw but, yes 

Quote

And the Jaggites didst score three and yet they shatteth the bed only twice.

[Blackpool Jags]

 

Utterly tremendous.

[lady-isobel-barnett]

Big Ditto from me

[Semi Nurainen]

On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 2:18 PM, Jordanhill Jag said:

As Always amazing - Blessed are the Possilites from the Tribe of Torr and Sloy 

I think the Torrites and the Sloyites could qualify as tribes in their own right, JJ!

Thanks for the compliments guys: season's certainly going to be an interesting one.

[sandy]

Semi, you have outclassed even your own work with this latest epistle. Genius.

[Semi Nurainen]

Tapaidh leat!

The things, is Caldo the new Messiah … or not?! Hm.

Watch this space!!!