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A reading from the Fourth Book of Lambiticus:


Semi Nurainen
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7.31

In which book doth the scribe Jacob of Possilonia relateth of waiting of the Jaggites for the New Messiah of the Second Coming.

7.32

It cameth to pass that towards the end of the annnus horrbilis of the false prophet of the Cauld Well, the Jaggites were smitten most abominably the Pictish maroonite hordes of the Bunnet. Yet more Jaggites hadst gone out and taken their scarves of vermilion and primrose and hanged themselves on the willows of the Nolly bank, saying ‘Our dishonor tortureth us, our shame overwhelmeth us’. Some didst continue to prayeth by the banks of the sacred Nolly where doth grow the Criocus Benedictus, or Blessed Thistle, for a sign of the New Messiah of the Second Coming. And they disdt fast for seven reserve games.

 

 

 

7.33

There arose amongst the Jaagites a number of them who didst remember the words of the prophet Lambitcus, the Lord’s true seer who didst sayeth on his death bed, ‘Beware of false prophets, which cometh unto you in sheep's clothing, for inwardly they doth be ravening wolves; beware of those who doth move the sacred dome of the dugout, for these were placed by our forebears and our forebears’ forebears, and woe unto he, whether in levity or blasphemy, should layeth his profane hand upon a dugout; and beware he who handeth out white envelopes for he is a gatherer of grapes of thorns, and figs of thistles, and a follower of Onan. For verily, the so-called striker he signeth, the one who is called the Maahnsell, couldst not scoreth in a barrel of Jezebels if he was given a puddy up. Beware of those who have taken down from the mountain the sacred tablets of stone and turned them into profane Power Points.’

 

7.34

But there came from Capharnaum one of the Sanhedrin of the Board, Beahteeh who voice was heard above all. He didst say unto the assembled Jaagites; ‘Weep no more, sons of Zion and Possilonia; cryteth no more into your hyssop and Belhaven, for I have been vouchsafed a vision of the Messiah between the mount of Pisgah and the plains of Edrom beside Pihahiroth, before Baalzephon. And I looked and saw a pillar of cloud rising from the desert plain, and borne aloft on this clouds as though a candle through a throng of foes – of wandering uncircumcised Gyppoi, of wager-cheating Mortonites, of thrice-inbred Ehrdryionians (whose very name, in Hebrew, means, ‘denizen of stinking pit of ordure, midden of the in-bred habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit) – and the cloud went before my face, and I didst see upon the cloud the image of a sandal. And the Lord opened my eyes I didst looketh inside the sandal and Lo! I beheld a monstrous stinking shengus of heavenly proportion, coiled and curled as the serpent waiteth to strike, and pointed at the end, steaming guffing sulphurous fumes like unto the worst stinking pit of Eyhrdry, so that mine eyes were like unto the fishpools of Heshbon. And I heard the voice of the Lord saying. “Fear ye not, stand still Beahteeh, for the Jaagites shall rise again like the steam off the jobbied sandal!’”

7.35

And the Sanhedrin, Beahteeh said, ‘But how shalt we riseth again Lord, when we have been lowered by the Waspavians?’ How shalt we riseth again Lord, when we have only the tactics of the Cauld Well, no settled formation, and playing it out slowly from the back so that we are a laughing stock even unto the benighted cackling Bunnet?’

And the Lord spake unto Sanhedrin, Beahteeh, saying ‘And I will send an angel before thee; and he wilt drive out the false prophet of the Cauld Well as thou drovest out the incompetent Jaylo; he will banish such tactics into the everlasting fires prepared for Satan and his power-pointing angels. And verily the sinners in Zion and Possilonia who followed the false prophet of the Cauld Well shalt be afraid; and fearfulness shalt surprise the hypocrites.’

7.36

‘Verily I say unto thee Beahteeh, thou hast seen the vision of the Jobbied Sandal, it is a sign that the bloated Buhntyr, the true prophet of the Lord, shall return triumphant to the banks of the sacred Nolly, and the Ark of the Covenant shall returneth to the Temple of the Shed, and Hill of Firs shall flow with milk and honey and parachute payments, and shalt be the glory of all lands. For the bloated Buhntyr – though he dwelt by the Brokes of Lad and though he hadst worshipped the graven idol of Joseph of Corralaiah in the byres of the road of the West – hath suffered a conversion on the road to Dalmarnock, and hath bitterly repented, and been redeemed, of all his iniquities. Never again wilt he utter the four forbidden names of Yahweh: Peshat, Remez, Derash and Sod (which in Hebrew means, ‘doubles, trebles, accumulators and tricasts’).’

7.37

‘He shalt look in the eye the Canaanite, the Amorite, the Gyppoi, the Jamboite and the junkie Hibbee with equanimity. And he shalt get right intae thae big-heided soap-dodging beggar bastarts fae Parkheid, the over-proud Pharisaic Timmites. And the Jaggites rejoiced in their multitudes and took comfort in their own righteousness, and they sang in Hebrew, Hittite, and Aramaic the Sabbath song of the Lord’s chosen people. ‘Johannes Lambitcus Vermilion and Primrose Armed Hosts’.

 

Vox Lambiticus, vox Dei.

 

 

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