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The Jokes Thread

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My missus came home drunk yesterday afternoon, while she was trying to get undressed she fell over and knocked herself out, her knickers were round her ankles and her crotch was clearly on show. There was no chance i was going to miss an opportunity like this!

 

So I went out with the lads.

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Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:

 

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

 

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

 

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

 

Wife - Do you love me?

 

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

 

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

 

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

 

Wife - Will you kiss me?

 

Husband - Every chance I get!

 

Wife - Will you hit me?

 

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

 

Wife - Can I trust you?Husband - Yes.

 

Wife - Darling!

 

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

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The International Council of Man Laws.

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (B) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. © After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.

28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws

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The England Team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning "It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto aged 6.

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The England Team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning "It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto aged 6.

 

 

:lol:

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South African police chief said today that he has noticed an increase in crimes of sex,drugs and theft. He is confident that it will pass when John Terry's family go home ! :blush:

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How many alzheimers sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

To get to the other side.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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To all the poor engerlund fans who have bought a flag for the world cup. Tippex out the red cross, then you can sell it to the French.

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World cup fixtures.

 

Monday, Argentina will meet Brazil in Cape Town. Tuesday, Spain will meet Italy in Johannesburg and on Wednesday, England will meet France at the airport.

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Had some Thai meatballs last night. They really were the dogs bollocks.

 

 

Just bought some Sainsburys Sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

On the back it says "prick with a fork".

Can't argue with that.

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Just bought some Sainsburys Sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.

On the back it says "prick with a fork".

Can't argue with that.

 

:thumbsup2:

 

What do you call a burd with two [email protected]?

 

N-Dubz.

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:thumbsup2:

 

What do you call a burd with two [email protected]?

 

N-Dubz.

 

 

:ph34r:

 

Get me into trouble you will, using a word like that, for reminded me of this, it did:

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between a cricket ball and a ginger [email protected] ?

 

If you try hard, and I mean REALLY f :censor: ing hard, you could eat a cricket ball.

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A bloke walks in to a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total

humiliation?"

 

 

The Madam replies £37.50.

The bloke says "Wow, that's cheap, what do I get for that?"

She says "A feckin England top!"

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

The Missus came home early the other night and nearly caught me watching

England. Luckily I managed to get the porn on and quickly get my boaby out to

save any embarrassment!

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Me and the wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple bursts in and steals all our Mr Sheen.

 

Bloody Jobs, stealing all our polish.

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For Sale: Genuine World Cup football boots. No scuff marks, hardly used and as good as new. Contact Wayne 07777 41 41 41.

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England are replacing the 3 Lions on their shirts with 3 Tampons to represent their worst period ever.

 

 

FLASH FLOODING IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND

 

This is due to the whole of Scotland P'ing themselves laughing!

 

 

England should have gone with Derek Bird instead of Emile Heskie as he had more shots on target in 4 hours than Heskie has had all Season

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