crazy davie Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Tesco burgers came out top in a recent Gallop poll... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinsplustwo Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 tried an Asda burgher but they wurnie at the races Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Tesco - Unexpected item in bagging area........... a horse.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted January 17, 2013 Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 Was in the Tesco Cafe earlier today..ordered up a burger..the burger duly arrived at the table and the waitress asked "would you like anything on that?" to which i replied "aye a tenner each way" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 My doctor told me I should watch what I eat, so I'm going to the racing at Musselburgh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 Tesco burgers came out top in a recent Gallop poll... Really? My pal says that they're neigh good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted January 23, 2013 Report Share Posted January 23, 2013 Really? My pal says that they're neigh good. That's the mane reason I don't eat them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SookeJag Posted January 24, 2013 Report Share Posted January 24, 2013 Tesco have just opened a burger bar. It's called 'Horses for Courses!' I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco burgers and I have to say Tesco wins by a nose. Never having another one of those Tesco burgers. Gave me the trots. I think I had Tesco Horseburger last night by mistake. Never again. Had terrible night mares Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes. Bet Tesco hate being saddled with this story. Their PR agency must be bridling too. They'll just have to get the bit between their teeth. Whatever next? My Lidl pony? The police are doing a door to door enquiries about these horse burgers. They will soon have covered the whole Neigh-bourhood. I see absolutely no problem with horsemeat in my burgers, which is why my mane is so glossy and I'm running in the 3:10 at Kempton A woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse meat burger...... Her condition is said to be stable I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres. After having Tesco burgers I used to say that I felt a little horse, now I understand why. So hungry I could eat a horse... Guess I'll go to TESCO ..................... AND MY FAVOURITE Went to the freezer to check my Tesco burgers, and....THEY'RE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 Just burnt my hand on the toaster ..... well it is Burns Day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 A man was at a graveyard. He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?" A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?" "No, actually i never met him!" replied the man. "Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously. "He was my wife's first husband! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had so for a laugh i decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a c*ck on his forehead. My sister went f*cking mad when she looked in his pram . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted February 13, 2013 Report Share Posted February 13, 2013 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch." The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on the driveway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SookeJag Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 (a Newfie is someone from Newfoundland) Two Newfies were talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?' The second Newfie crooked his head sideways, scratched, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted February 27, 2013 Report Share Posted February 27, 2013 Dont forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help one disabled African learn to distinguish between his girlfriend and an intruder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted February 27, 2013 Report Share Posted February 27, 2013 FIFA has extended its match-fixing inquiry to include the World Cup Finals. Attention is now being focused on 1966 and a Russian referee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe the driver Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Teacher: Spell Rangers. John: There is no Rangers. Teacher: SPELL RANGERS! John: R a n f .. Teacher: There's no f in Rangers. John : I know i tried to tell you 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot. Q: What did one fish say to the other fish in the tank? A: How the hell do you drive this thing? Piece of string walks in to a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here," so the piece of string walks back outside, twists himself around and ruffles up one of his ends. He then walks back in to the same pub and the barman says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?" The piece of string replies "I'm a frayed knot." Q: Hear about the cannibal who turned up late for dinner? A: He got the cold shoulder. Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, “Last night we went out to a great new restaurant.” The other asks, “What’s it called?” The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?” His friend replies, “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the first man says. “The poppy?” wonders his friend. “No,” growls the man. “You know, the one with thorns!” “Do you mean a rose?” asks the other man. “Yes, that’s it!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allyo Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? ...the Polar Bear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Q: What's the difference between a h u n and a sperm? A: At least a sperm has one chance in 10 million of becoming a human being. Q: What's the difference between a busload of h u n s and a Hedgehog? A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside. Q: What do Haemhorroids and the h u n s have in common? A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gianlucatoni Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 The police were out this morning searching for a wayward Cardinal. The found him up Bishop Briggs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Leitch Loyal Posted March 12, 2013 Report Share Posted March 12, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 I hear Holloway Women's Prison football team has a new penalty taker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 I hear Holloway Women's Prison football team has a new penalty taker. . . . and that Morton are under investigation by the Procurator Fiscal for offering to take Chris Huhne's points before his wife changed her mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmike Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 And Chris Huhne has already designated Pentonville prison as his second home, for expenses purposes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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