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The Jokes Thread


KAWB
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Man goes to a house to buy a dog, and asks the owner the price.

 

£3000 says the man.

 

Thats expensive for a dog.

 

Yes, but it can talk, ask it a question.

 

OK says the man, What's your name?

 

Spot, says the dog.

 

And you can really speak, says the man.

 

Yes says the dog, English, German, and some Spanish

 

Thats amazing says the man, tell me more about yourself.

 

Well says the dog, when I went for my inocculations as a puppy, the vet discovered

I could speak, so he gave me a job as a receptionist in his practice, but after a few months, I got bored, joined

the Army and went to Iraq and Afghanistan. But I was doing security patrols, sniffing out IEDs and it got a bit dangerous

so I came home, got a job as head of security in a wing of Belmarsh High Security Prison. The food was terrible, so I left and have spent the last 2 years at a farm in Aberdeenshire, where I looked after 200 head of cattle, 300 ewes and 150 breeding sows. But it was really hard work,

and so I have decided to retire.

 

Thats astonishing, said the man, why on earth do you want to sell a dog that can speak 3 languages, and who has done all these

amazing things?

 

He tells lies, says the owner

Edited by eljaggo
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Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

 

"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.

 

"Oh really?" I asked.

 

"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

 

"Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

 

 

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The Scottish Arab

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood

in case the need arose.

 

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

 

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and US dollars.

 

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery.

 

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

 

He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would show your generosity again, & would give me another BMW, diamonds,

and money, but you only gave me a Thank-you Card and a box of Quality Street .."

 

To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins .... ."

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A Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “No !!!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after ie ........ he rode motorcycles and shagged skinny, long-legged Sheila's with big-tits,

he hunted, fished and raced cars,

he went to strip bars and dated women half his age,

he drank whiskey, beer and heaps of Captain Morgan Rum and never heard any bitching,

he never paid child support or alimony,

he banged all the best looking cheerleaders and he kept his guns in his house,

he ate spam, potato chips, cold pizza and beans for breakfast,

he never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell

he blew enormous farts whenever he felt like it, he had tons of money in the bank and he always left the toilet seat up.

 

The End

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A newly wed couple returned to their apartment after their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and make love?", the husband asked.

"Shh!",said the bride."all the neighbours will know what

we are about to do.These walls are paper thin.In the future

we will have to speak in code.How about asking,

'have you left the waashing machine door open',instead."

So,the following night the husband asks,"I don't suppose

you left the washing machine door open?"

"No...I definitely closed it tonight",replied the wife,and

promptly turned over and fell soundly asleep.

When she woke up,however,she was feeling a little frisky

herself and nudged her husband,saying,"I think I might

have left the washing machine door open after all,would

you like to do some washing?".

"No,thanks,"said the husband."It was only a small wash,

so I did it by hand!"

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A guy visits his local museum for the first time since he was a child. In awe at a superb dinosaur skeleton on the wall, he says to a museum assistant: "That dinosaur is awesome. How old is it?"

 

The assistant replies: "It's 15 million years and seven and a half months old."

 

The visitor is amazed. "Man, that's fantastic; how can you be so precise about its age. Carbon dating?"

 

The assistant: "Well, when I started here seven and a half months ago......."

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth,

and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local

welfare office to pick up his cheque.

 

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing

welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of

the system, getting something for nothing."

 

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur

and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in

his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

 

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected

to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather

awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment

to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a

rather strong sex drive."

 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .

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THE MALE CYCLE

 

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

 

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

 

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement.

 

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

 

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

 

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

 

 

 

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S O M E T I M E S

 

Sometimes....when you cry....

no one sees your tears.

 

Sometimes....when you are in pain....

no one sees your hurt.

 

Sometimes....when you are worried....

no one sees your stress.

 

Sometimes....when you are happy....

no one sees your smile.

 

 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! And You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

 

Send this to your friends -- Make them laugh!

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