Ozjag Posted October 27, 2013 Report Share Posted October 27, 2013 An Irishman , a Scotsman , and an Englishman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some sort of joke?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted November 7, 2013 Report Share Posted November 7, 2013 After last night's violence in Amsterdam, Celtic FC have released a statement saying, "Our supporters were subjected to high levels of provocation." Translation: "Our supporters were allowed to get pished and stoned in your country, so after you beat us 1-0, WTF did you expect?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local ASDA supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bast*rd outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/24965357 I thought it was a funny joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaggybunnet Posted November 23, 2013 Report Share Posted November 23, 2013 A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf.That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?” Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,"Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.” The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted December 12, 2013 Report Share Posted December 12, 2013 My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married. She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted December 27, 2013 Report Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why is Santa Claus jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted December 27, 2013 Report Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why is Santa Claus jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Word is, he's next on Operation Yewtree's list because of this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted January 1, 2014 Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 Madonna in an African florist's: "Can I have some flowers please?" "Orchids?" "No, just the flowers." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Col Posted January 23, 2014 Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 Roy Cropper fulfilled Hayley Cropper's dying wish that she had anal one final time. Regretting it now as his ar5e has never been so sore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted January 24, 2014 Report Share Posted January 24, 2014 Roy Cropper fulfilled Hayley Cropper's dying wish that she had anal one final time. Regretting it now as his ar5e has never been so sore. :thinking: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Q. What's brown and sits on a wall A. Humpty Dump 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Councillors in Staines changed its name to Staines Upon Thames in 2012. Ironically, the Thames is now upon Staines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 My mate signed and posted 2000 Valentines cards this afternoon. He's a divorce lawyer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 What do Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Bob the Builder have in common? They've all scored against Rangers this season. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for Russian aggression in Ukraine. He'd have invaded New Zealand by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 I take it you just made that up... Keep it light, mate... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 We dodged a bullet (Phil Brown) when Archie got the job - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03yfqjb/Some_People_with_Jokes_Series_2_Some_Football_Managers_with_Jokes/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted May 4, 2014 Report Share Posted May 4, 2014 How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted May 4, 2014 Report Share Posted May 4, 2014 kilmarnock and morton Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 David Moyes is being investigated over an allegation that he assaulted a man in a wine bar. And some people think he's not ready for the Celtic job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted May 29, 2014 Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Can anybody tell me how you cancel an ebay bid? With my young nephew's school fancy dress party in mind, I bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit. But now I'm 4 minutes away from owning The Rangers! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Man: Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter Doctor: I'm sorry I don't follow you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 "I don't really know my best position. left, right or centre" "Wayne, just get on the feckin plane and pick an aisle will you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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