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The Jokes Thread


KAWB
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  • 2 weeks later...

A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local ASDA

supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in

that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

 

"Some old bast*rd outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

 

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had

followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and

this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

 

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

 

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

 

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation

earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you

from son?"

 

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

 

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players

there."

 

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

 

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf.That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger

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