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The Jokes Thread


KAWB
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Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her, the landlord shouts, "oi mate you cant do that in here" the Rev replies "you dont understand, Im Pastor Flapps" "well" says the landlord " if your that far in you may as well finish!!"

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Man staggers into the hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped round his head, Doctor asked "what happened to you?" man replies "well i was playing golf with the wife, when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, i found one stuck in a f***y. i yelled to my wife, this looks like yours, i dont remember much after that!!

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I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running. I swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly - so that the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

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Man, slightly sleazy, but not overly so, to woman - " I was going to tell you a joke about my penis - but it's too long"

 

Woman to man - "That's alright, I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina - but you'll never get it"

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Doctor - "I have some good news and bad news."

Patient - "I'll hear the good news first."

Doctor - "We have found a perfect match for your kidney transplant."

Patient - "Brilliant! So what's the bad news?"

Doctor - "The donor is Amy Winehouse."

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Amy Winehouse gets to the pearly gates of heaven and finds herself at the back of a massive queue.

 

St Peter sees her and beckons her up to the front.

 

'Am I getting special treatment because I'm famous?' she asks.

 

'Naw' St Peter replies, 'you're skipping the queue cos we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot'

 

 

 

:getmecoat:

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Amy Winehouse gets to the pearly gates of heaven and finds herself at the back of a massive queue.

 

St Peter sees her and beckons her up to the front.

 

'Am I getting special treatment because I'm famous?' she asks.

 

'Naw' St Peter replies, 'you're skipping the queue cos we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot'

 

 

 

:getmecoat:

 

I was thinking of posting a similar joke -

 

Amy Winehouse is invited to meet the other members of the 27 club in the bar. Janis Joplin asks her for her first impression of heaven. Amy replied that it was like Camden station on the London Underground. Jim Morrison is surprised and asks why. Amy said that their were 80 foreign students ahead of her in the queue.

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I was thinking of posting a similar joke -

 

Amy Winehouse is invited to meet the other members of the 27 club in the bar. Janis Joplin asks her for her first impression of heaven. Amy replied that it was like Camden station on the London Underground. Jim Morrison is surprised and asks why. Amy said that their were 80 foreign students ahead of her in the queue.

 

 

standby for a red card from HJ!

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3 sisters Ann, F@nny and Jan, all have very big feet. Ann size 8, F@nny size 15, Jan size 9.

 

Ann and Jan went on a double date. 1 of the boys said "Jesus, you both have very big feet!"

 

Ann replied "you should see the size of our F@nny's, they're huge....."

Edited by yoda-jag
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