kni Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 A comparison Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals. Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals. Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals. Â Unfortunately for Emile, the other two are goalkeepers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 A couple auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month. Simon - "What is your act?" Husband - "Magic!" Simon - "What are you both going to do?" Wife - "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air." Simon - "Have you ever done this before?" Husband - "Yes, once." Simon - "Okay, Gerry & Kate, good luck." Â :unsure: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 :unsure: oh dear!!! shouldnt laugh!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 My mate went to the small claims court to get compensation for a dodgy dishwasher. The judge told him that such cases were heard in the divorce courts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Husband and wife before marriage. Â Husband - Aaah! ...At last! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Wife - Have you ever cheated on me? Husband - No! Wife - Will you kiss me? Husband - Every chance I get! Wife - Will you hit me? Husband - Hell no! Wife - Can I trust you? Husband - Yes. Wife - Darling! Â After marriage: read from bottom to top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar. Ryan says to the barman "I'll have whatever he's having..." Â You can't knock Giggs for shagging IMOGEN THOMAS. Â Any girl whose name is an anagram of A SMOOTH MINGE has got to be worth a dabble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Man rolls over in bed and grins at his wife. She says "Not tonight darling, i've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay clean". Man rolls over feeling rejected. After 5 minutes, he rolls back over and asks "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionel J. Botch Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singng "It's a heartache, nothing but a fools game !" Â i thought to myself she's a BONNIE TILER ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singng "It's a heartache, nothing but a fools game !" Â i thought to myself she's a BONNIE TILER ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 A man walks into Waterstones and asks the assisstant "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? she replies "Im not sure if its in yet" Man says "thats the one, I will take a copy" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 A man walks into Waterstones and asks the assisstant "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? she replies "Im not sure if its in yet" Man says "thats the one, I will take a copy" Â Â Actually, that's no' funny. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Actually, that's no' funny. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Sorry if that was a bit personal jaggernaut!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 My English teacher just told me my grammar is crap....... I said well your grandads a s**t  Two women talking "do you look at your husbands when your having sex ?" " i did once and he looked really angry" "why did he look angry" "cos he was looking in through the window!!"  went to the shop earlier on and some bloke tried to attack me with some milk and cheese...... I thought how dairy!!!  The missus asked me to go out shopping for something that made her look sexy. You should have seen her face when i came back with 12 cans!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 A 60-year-old woman is desperate to revive her husband's diminished appetite for sex. So for the first time ever she resorts to going to bed stark naked. The husband notices this and says "Hey, what's this?" "It's my new, special night dress," she replies. "It's called the Aphrodites dress." Â "Aye, well you might have ironed it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singng "It's a heartache, nothing but a fools game !" Â i thought to myself she's a BONNIE TILER ! Â I bought a car from the same pretty woman ..... it's alright, but every now and then it falls apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I bought a car from the same pretty woman ..... it's alright, but every now and then it falls apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionel J. Botch Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Whats the difference between an alsation and a pan loaf? Â Two different breeds............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Dear oh dear.that is awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornwoodjag Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 An alsatian and a dachshund walking along a frozen path.alsatian says "jeezo my paws are freezing" The dachshund replies "your paws are freezing"............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their Granddaughter out in the car. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was. Â 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?' 'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind basturt, f*ckwit, dickhe*d Asian prick, w*nker or a towel-head anywhere today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
east lothian jag Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 my daughter got sent home from school for swearing today. I said "what did you say" she said " the c word" I looked at her very disappointed and said " its not clever is it" she said " no it was c**t" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) Slightly off-topic (sorry) but the last joke just reminded me about my 2 daughters. When they were wee I used to tell them that Celtic and Rangers were bad bad words. They used to go "Ohhhhh" and point at the screen when either 2 were mentioned on the telly. Anyway.... they were out playing one day and my youngest came in to shop her big sister for swearing - telling me she had said the "C-word"..... I went a bit radio rental at my eldest demanding to know what she had said. She stared at her feet and said "I asked the wee boy down the road why he was wearing that silly Celtic shirt"   Brainwashing....... never a good idea with kids   *edited to add: Should I have told her to get the wee c**t tellt? Edited June 28, 2011 by hamiltonjag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jags365 Posted June 28, 2011 Report Share Posted June 28, 2011 Slightly off-topic (sorry) but the last joke just reminded me about my 2 daughters. When they were wee I used to tell them that Celtic and Rangers were bad bad words. They used to go "Ohhhhh" and point at the screen when either 2 were mentioned on the telly. Anyway.... they were out playing one day and my youngest came in to shop her big sister for swearing - telling me she had said the "C-word"..... I went a bit radio rental at my eldest demanding to know what she had said. She stared at her feet and said "I asked the wee boy down the road why he was wearing that silly Celtic shirt"   Brainwashing....... never a good idea with kids   *edited to add: Should I have told her to get the wee c**t tellt? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 A girl walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) A man goes into the Pharmacy and said, "I need some medicine please" The assistant asked "What for?" He said hoarsely, "For Cough" She replied 'F*ck off yourself you cheeky monkey". Edited July 8, 2011 by kni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.