The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 7, 2013 Report Share Posted August 7, 2013 Fat Sally danders into John Greigs the Glesga Butchers... Fat Sally: 11 custard pies please. John Greigs Assistant: F*ck off ya useless c*nt this is a butchers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 7, 2013 Report Share Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) Fat Sally danders into John Greigs the Glesga Bakers... Fat Sally: 11 custard pies please. John Greigs Assistant: D'ye no' think you deserve wan tae? Fat Sally: Whit d'ye mean? They're all for me... Edited August 8, 2013 by The Jukebox Rebel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted August 7, 2013 Report Share Posted August 7, 2013 A bit like John Grieg's baking I suspect, these jokes are pretty poor fare, I'm afraid.:-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 Wot no one from the Faroe Islands? Anyway, why did the Englishman get in first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jukebox Rebel Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 Ah, I'm glad you spotted that Sunnylaw. Yer Faroes Islander, being a family man of exemplary virtue, was committed to working overtime, blasting holes into mountains for road tunnels. It's a shame he couldn't make it because his company was dynamite... ... er, I dunno, why did the Englishman get in first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 I recently put together a buffet for some friends of mine from Warwickshire however it wasn't very well received......Nuneaton. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 17, 2013 Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I think my allotment maybe getting smaller and smaller, I think I may be losing the plot... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 A salesman knocked on my door today. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish Captain and a Chinese Co-Pilot. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence is indicating a mutual dislike for each other. Once they reach cruising altitude the Captain mutters " I don't like Chinese" "No Rike Chinese? "Why not" The Captain says " You lot bombed Pearl Harbour" No No " Chinese no bomb Peahl Hahbah, that was Japanese not Chinese" Captain says" Japanese, Chinese ,Vietnamese you're all alike. " I no Rike Jews" says the Co-Pilot. "Oh Yeah and why not" asks the Captain. "Jews sink Titanic" says the Co-Pilot. "What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an Iceberg" " Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, you're all the Effin same!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted August 26, 2013 Report Share Posted August 26, 2013 A book fell on head today, I've only got my shelf to blame. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted August 26, 2013 Report Share Posted August 26, 2013 THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER! A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 ...the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped. seen it coming a MILE off... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 seen it coming a MILE off... Do you know Janet then Mate????????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Judge: "Members of the Jury, have you reached your verdict?" Foreman: "Yes your honour, we have." Judge: "Mr Harris, can you guess what it is yet?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.... (I'll let myself out) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted September 2, 2013 Report Share Posted September 2, 2013 After cutting the grass today, I sat down and had a large cold beer from the fridge....The weather was really quite beautiful, and the cold beer facilitated some deep thinking on various topics in my mind. It made me think about an age old question: ‘Is giving birth tae a wean more painful than getting kicked in the balls?’ Women always maintain that giving birth tae a wean is far more painful than a guy getting kicked in the balls. Well, after a few more beers and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the balls is far more painful than having a wean; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after having a wean, a woman will often say, ‘Y’know, it might be nice to have another wean.’ On the other hand, you’ll never hear a guy say, ‘You know what, I think I would like another kick in the balls.’ Am I right? I rest my case…….. Time for another beer. H.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeredStirlingsrightfoot Posted September 6, 2013 Report Share Posted September 6, 2013 I recently put in a claim to my pet insurers but they wouldn't cover it. They always find a clause.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 I recently put in a claim to my pet insurers but they wouldn't cover it. They always find a clause.... Does the word 'pun' derive from punishment? It certainly seems that way every time you post one of these. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted September 9, 2013 Report Share Posted September 9, 2013 THE SCOTTISH COW. The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 10, 2013 Report Share Posted September 10, 2013 After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 10, 2013 Report Share Posted September 10, 2013 My wife used to complain that the magic had gone out of our relationship. So I sawed her in half. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Partick Panther Posted September 11, 2013 Report Share Posted September 11, 2013 Celtic-1 Partick Thistle-4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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