themadozjag Posted August 30, 2014 Report Share Posted August 30, 2014 2 Irish priests Paddy & Mick having a shower when Mick says to the Paddy " Pass me the soap" I haven't got any says Paddy. So off to his room goes Mick to get some soap. On the way back along the corridor he sees 3 nuns approaching so quick as a flash he stands perfectly still in all his spleandor thinking that the nuns will think he's a statue. One of the nuns sees that Mick is holding a bar of soap in each hand so to end her curiosity she pulls down on his manhood and Mick drops one of the bars of soap. The second nun also a bit curious also has a go at pulling down on his manhood and sure enough the priest drops the bar of soap. The 3rd nun is a bit perplexed at this as she has missed out on a bar of soap but she has a go at pulling down on his manhood anyway and after tugging away for a minute or so she yells out " Holy Jesus and Mary & Joesph it's a miracle, Look Liquid Soap'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted August 30, 2014 Report Share Posted August 30, 2014 A Kiwi walks into a bar in Sydney and sits down next to this big Aussie bloke and orders a beer. After a quick swig he notices a bowl of Chilli sitting on the bar between the both of them. "Help yourself" says the Aussie and the Kiwi gets stuck right into it. On reaching the bottom he notices a finger lying in it and the Aussie says " Yep that's what happened to me before I threw up"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted September 2, 2014 Report Share Posted September 2, 2014 SCANS AT AIRPORTS: CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA : Terrorists Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 Thought you'd like to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted September 2, 2014 Report Share Posted September 2, 2014 A nu n, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted September 2, 2014 Report Share Posted September 2, 2014 Irish Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to seehow much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '¤39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England ! The agent turned his computer screen and back to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is ¤39.00.*' I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 1. The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cent's coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies "Outside playing with Paki-Dave". 4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." 7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" Paddy - "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" 8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." 10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaggybunnet Posted September 9, 2014 Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 There are some horrible people out there. I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four blokes in Hibs shirts playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 (edited) Ross County and St Mirren have been invited to appear on a special edition of a popular BBC game show. Unfortunately for them, it's Pointless Football Teams! Edited September 14, 2014 by kni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Early St Paddy's Day Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted September 20, 2014 Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Five years ago today I asked a girl out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sunnylaw Jag Posted September 20, 2014 Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Five years ago today I asked a girl out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. Yep. Jokes like that will do it everytime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been hap...pily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 (edited) zzzzzzzzzzzzz Edited November 4, 2014 by crazy davie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Col Posted November 8, 2014 Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 Trigonometry is not as popular as it once was. It's a sine of the times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bondi Jag Posted November 11, 2014 Report Share Posted November 11, 2014 (edited) A bloke sitting in his armchair shouts to his wife "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you love!". She shouts back "You already do you lazy *******!!". Edited November 11, 2014 by Bondi Jag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 Two builders were in the pub after a hard day's work. A wee while later a smartly dressed man walked in and ordered a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed guy like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that guy was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a ****** then!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meister Jag Posted November 18, 2014 Report Share Posted November 18, 2014 Not sure if this has featured already but I liked it: Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Gary Glitter walk into a Dublin pub and the barman says: "Not Yewtree again!" Sorry, poor taste... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted November 19, 2014 Report Share Posted November 19, 2014 Not sure if this has featured already but I liked it: Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Gary Glitter walk into a Dublin pub and the barman says: "Not Yewtree again!" Sorry, poor taste... Actually moderately funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meister Jag Posted November 19, 2014 Report Share Posted November 19, 2014 Actually moderately funny. I thank you, I'm here all week; well most days actually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted November 20, 2014 Report Share Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) A sign in a golf clubhouse: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. Edited November 20, 2014 by Jaggernaut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themadozjag Posted February 16, 2015 Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 A man living in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was so insistent that the boy went to ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old ******* outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted February 24, 2015 Report Share Posted February 24, 2015 Unwelcome racism creeping into the thread.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Willjag Posted February 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2015 Agreed! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaggybunnet Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 Two Bobbies call their Sarge on the radio. "Three four to four zero?" "Go ahead." "Sarge, we're at a call where a wife has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she'd just mopped clean. Just after some advice..." "Have you arrested her?" "Um, no Sarge. The floor is still wet!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted February 26, 2015 Report Share Posted February 26, 2015 ^^ :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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