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The Jokes Thread

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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Two - one to cry about it and one to get the man from next door

 

 

How do you know when a blonde has an orgasm?

 

She drops her kebab

 

 

How do you know when your burd has an orgasm?

 

Who cares!

 

 

The hospital have just called my mate about his premature ejaculaion problem. Seemingly it's touch and go.

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'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

 

After much careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

 

 

*******************************

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

 

2. Put down your car window.

 

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

 

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

 

6. Put window up.

 

7. Drive off.

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

 

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

 

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

 

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

 

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

 

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

 

8. Insert card.

 

9. Re-insert card the right way.

 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

 

11. Enter PIN.

 

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

 

13. Enter amount of cash required.

 

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

 

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

 

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

 

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

 

18. Re-check makeup.

 

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

 

21. Retrieve card.

 

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

 

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

 

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

 

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

 

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

27. Release hand brake.

Edited by Jaggernaut

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Has anyone else noticed that, no more than five days after James Corden finally vanishes from our screens, BP manage to plug the oil leak with a large dense object?

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How Fights Start..............

 

(1). My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

 

I said, 'Dust.'

 

 

(2). My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we

were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

 

"No," she answered.

 

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

 

(3). Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50

mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered

that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I

cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is

out fishing in that?"

 

 

 

 

(4). My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds.'

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

 

 

(5). When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some

place expensive.. so I took her to a petrol station.

 

 

(6). After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to

go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

 

 

 

(7). I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my

order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

 

Nah, she can order for herself."

 

 

(8). A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not

happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look

old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'

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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.

Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

Scientists revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.

It's called Trydixagen

Edited by Jaggernaut

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Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

 

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

 

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

 

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

 

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully... He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball".

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My mate bought a dog from a blacksmiths, when he got home he was amazed it made a bolt for the door!

 

--- lucky it didn't make a spring for his baws..... :rolleyes:

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the barman and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try patting him first."

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he Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

 

With that, wee Brendan got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Wee Brendan replied, "Your Holy Popeness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a great prayer for Brendan, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked,

 

"Brendan, how is your hearing now?"

 

 

 

 

Wee Brendan answered,

 

"Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

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he Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

 

With that, wee Brendan got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Wee Brendan replied, "Your Holy Popeness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a great prayer for Brendan, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked,

 

"Brendan, how is your hearing now?"

 

 

 

 

Wee Brendan answered,

 

"Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

:lol:

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How do you know when you're gay?

 

When you listen to music by JMS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you know when you are super gay?

 

When you automatically understood that I meant JLS above and just thought I made a spelling mistake.

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The wife and I had a few drinks last night after the kids went to bed, and we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

 

She looked at me and said "Let's take this upstairs"

 

I said "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other"

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I went swimming yesterday and one of the pool attendants asked me to leave because a large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

 

When I pointed out another male swimmer wearing similar trunks and asked why he wasn't being asked to leave too, the attendant replied "Because he hasn't shat himself sir".

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I went swimming yesterday and one of the pool attendants asked me to leave because a large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

 

When I pointed out another male swimmer wearing similar trunks and asked why he wasn't being asked to leave too, the attendant replied "Because he hasn't shat himself sir".

 

:lol::lol:

A **** and shit gag, magic, ticks all my boxes fo a good joke.

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I lost in a pub quiz by one point last night. The question I got wrong was,

"Where do women mostly have curly hair"?

Apparently the answer is Africa!!

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In the last two months, all of our family has had their birthdays.

For my sons birthday, he got an iPod from my wife and I.

For my daughters birthday, she got an iPhone from my wife and I.

For my birthday, my wife got me an iPad.

Yesterday was my wife's birthday - so, along the same lines, I got her an iRon.

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