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The Jokes Thread

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At Chelsea's wedding on July 31st, Hillary wanted to play the perfect mom.

She asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"

 

Chelsea very wittily replied .... "Not according to dad!"

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At Chelsea's wedding on July 31st, Hillary wanted to play the perfect mom.

She asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"

 

Chelsea very wittily replied .... "Not according to dad!"

"mom"?????

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Apple have scrapped their plans for a new childrens iPod.

 

Apparently iTouch Kids would only appeal to Celtic fans & Priests.

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I fancied a Chinese last night, so I phoned the Kings China Buffet.

 

The guy answered and said "Harro, I'm Wan King, the cook".

 

I said "Oh sorry, I'll call back later".

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Young man walking along the pier sees an old timer sitting there withtrousers rolled up, feet dangling in the water, whistling to himself & fishing with an imaginary rod. Puzzled, the young man asks "What ye uptae, pal?". Without a glance the old man casually says "Fishin' for fannies"

"Sounds good, can i have a go?" says the young man.

"AYe, nae borra, pull up a pew" says the old man. He sits down and casts out an imaginary rod and asks "So, mate, how many you caught so far?"

"You're the third this morning!"

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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth...

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

 

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

 

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' :)-

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A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Asda.

 

The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their trolley.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only £7.00 for 24 cans he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £14.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price.

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Statistically 2 out of 1 people are schizophrenic.

 

My friend teaches schizophrenics in a special needs school. The attendance is usually 200%.

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That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.."

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Fred passed away and arrived in heaven and was being given the guided tour by Jesus.

 

All around the place were millions of clocks. Fred asked Jesus "what are all these clocks for". Jesus replied - "they show how long people have left in their life".

 

Fred noticed that the hands on some clocks were jumping forward 5 minutes.

 

"Why are some people losing five minutes" he asked Jesus.

 

"Every time someone plays with themself the clock hands move forward and they lose 5 minutes of their life" Jesus replied.

 

"I can't see Allan Cowan's clock in here Jesus" said Fred.

 

"No my son," replied Jesus, "we keep his in the kitchen and use it as an extractor fan".

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There's a gang going through Glasgow systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.

 

Police believe they are still at large.

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A guy came into my shop the other day wanting 10 bees to make his own honey.

 

I stuck them in a jar for him but he said, "You've accidentally given me 11 mate".

 

I said, "Its okay, one's a freebie".

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