The Jokes Thread

[kni]

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

[kni]

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

[kni]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

 

The Pope announced there would be a religious debate between himself and a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

 

The Jewish people picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

 

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

 

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

 

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

 

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

 

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

 

Later, the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

 

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The rabbi responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

 

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

 

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

 

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

 

'I haven't a clue,' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

 

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

 

'And then what?' asked a woman.

 

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

Edited August 27, 2010 by kni

[kni]

‎"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Darling, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[Jaggernaut]

I don't get it: If Mark Chapman was such a massive Beatles fan, then why didn't he shoot Yoko Ono instead?

[homerjag]

I went out with two anorexics last night,

 

 

Two birds, one stone.........

[Blackpool Jags]

A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

 

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

 

'Naw naw love', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

 

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

 

''What's so special about it?'

 

 

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

 

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

 

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'

 

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'

 

 

The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says,' Aye, the feckin thing's an hour fast!'

[JaggyThistle]

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.

 

The first one said he was going to piss him off.

 

He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

 

"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.

 

"I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

 

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."

The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the

shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

 

"Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

"You're right. He is unshakeable!"

 

The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really piss him off.

You just watch."

 

The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the

shoulder and said...

 

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

 

"Aye! So yer mates were sayin'...."

[kni]

I just hit the 'panic' button on Facebook and Paul Gascoigne appeared at my door with a fishing rod, a chicken sandwich and a can of lager.

 

Gazza's just been spotted at the hotel of the Pakistani cricket team.

[kni]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

 

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Rid Skwerr]

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

 

 

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

 

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

 

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

 

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

 

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

 

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

 

 

 

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[Rid Skwerr]

My mate works for the Police Negotiators...........

 

He tried phoning in sick this morning but they talked him out of it.....

[Rid Skwerr]

I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out...........

 

What kind of sick Kn*b would throw a wasp in a bin?

[KAWB]

Can anyone find me the torrent for the tune on the anti-piracy ad?

[KAWB]

Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her f@nny, she's going to sell her story.

[Tam]

Can anyone find me the torrent for the tune on the anti-piracy ad?

very good

[Rid Skwerr]

I got wheel clamped parked outside the bank today.

My boss went mental.

He says I'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

 

It's a lovely day here at Lord's.

Pakistan have won the toss and decided to bet.

 

 

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

[Morfin]

A fisherman quit as he couldnt live on his net income

[Rid Skwerr]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

 

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.."

 

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,

"Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks

.....so how much does he weigh now?

 

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

 

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"?

"He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

 

The father takes a slow swig from his Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,

leans into the bartender and proudly says,

 

 

 

 

 

"Had him circumcised".

[keithrock]

I wrote a book on penguins once, in hindsight paper would have been much easier.

[homerjag]

Tiger Woods

Wayne Rooney

Ashley Cole

John Terry

Vernon Kay

Mark Owen

 

What have they all got in common?

 

 

 

 

 

Wives who obviously need to make more of an effort!!!!!

[Tam]

George Michael has just reworked one of his old classics on his first day in jail.

 

Hairless Fister

[crazy davie]

George Michael has just reworked one of his old classics on his first day in jail.

 

Hairless Fister

That's rubbish. You made that up yourself didn't you ?

[kni]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

 

* a half-gallon of 2% milk

* a carton of eggs

* a quart of orange juice

* a head of romaine lettuce

* a 2 lb. can of coffee

* a 1 lb. package of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "'Cos you're ugly"

[KAWB]

I knew it!

 

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs414.snc4/47679_157726957572577_100000058219364_505609_8048290_n.jpg