eighthoursbehind Posted October 2, 2010 Report Share Posted October 2, 2010 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner. 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. 'He thought he was having his picture taken'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 7, 2010 Report Share Posted October 7, 2010 I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on............. I said “You’re pulling my leg” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted October 9, 2010 Report Share Posted October 9, 2010 I just caught my daughter sniffing TIPPEX last night. I told her, next time I catch her, she will be sent to a correction facility ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaggernaut Posted October 9, 2010 Report Share Posted October 9, 2010 I just caught my daughter sniffing TIPPEX last night. I told her, next time I catch her, she will be sent to a correction facility ! Younger members probably won't know what TIPPEX is. Or a correction facility, for that matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted October 9, 2010 Report Share Posted October 9, 2010 Younger members probably won't know what TIPPEX is. Or a correction facility, for that matter. Well those who do get it, can enjoy it. The rest can swivel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggyThistle Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Well those who do get it, can enjoy it. The rest can swivel. Im going to steal that phrase and use it on a regular basis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted October 13, 2010 Report Share Posted October 13, 2010 I took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster, but if anything, it just made it more sluggish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackpool Jags Posted October 15, 2010 Report Share Posted October 15, 2010 Margaret Thatcher must be gutted - her 85th birthday and the only thing on telly - feckin miners celebrating! (courtesy of Homerjag) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asylum Resident Posted October 17, 2010 Report Share Posted October 17, 2010 I took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster, but if anything, it just made it more sluggish. brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 17, 2010 Report Share Posted October 17, 2010 MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE A new sign in the Bank reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1... Drive up to the cash machine. 2. LOWER your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: (Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!) 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted October 17, 2010 Report Share Posted October 17, 2010 A Chilean miner is making love to his wife for first time since release 'Can we switch the lights off?' he asks 'Of course honey' 'Can I have you from behind?' he then requests. 'Anything you want my brave boy' she replies 'Ok, can I call you Pedro?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homerjag Posted October 17, 2010 Report Share Posted October 17, 2010 A Chilean miner is making love to his wife for first time since release 'Can we switch the lights off?' he asks 'Of course honey' 'Can I have you from behind?' he then requests. 'Anything you want my brave boy' she replies 'Ok, can I call you Pedro?' What happens in the mines, stays in the mines Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted October 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Anyone know how to change the settings on your computer so it doesn't use US English? Every time I go to 'save' a document, it accidentally blows it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 My mate's got a new eastern european girlfriend. He's not too happy though, because it took her over 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she's a Slovak. ------------------ Elizabeth Fritzl has just tweeted the Chilean Miners............"70 days trapped underground?.......Big Fukcin deal ...!!!!!" --------------- A bloke walks into a pharmacy and asks for some viagra. Chemist says "I need some medical proof that you need it?" Bloke replies "Will a photo of my wife do?!" ------------ A body of a woman was found with sperm all over her face. Police think she saw her killer coming. -------------- A kid came up to me today and said "whats your favourite tele tubby?" I said "probably the samsung 42 inch flatscreen you cheeky little shite!" ------------- School girl says to her mum "Mummy, I know where babies come from!". Mum replies "Where's that then darling?". Girl says "Mummy and Daddy take all their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!". Mum says "Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rid Skwerr Posted October 25, 2010 Report Share Posted October 25, 2010 Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club- 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kni Posted November 4, 2010 Report Share Posted November 4, 2010 Jimmy was dying and his wife knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you?" "No" He replied. "You must have a last wish?" asked his wife. Faintly, came the answer. . . "Okay, some of that Glenmorangie malt would be nice" "Oh... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted November 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2010 My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAWB Posted November 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2010 I never credited the old lady next door with much creativity, but this morning I noticed that she has crafted the most exquisitely realistic snow sculpture of a woman lying on her driveway. I must go round to congratulate her after work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brick_top Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 I took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster, but if anything, it just made it more sluggish. That might just be the best joke I've ever heard. Fantastic! :worshippy: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamiltonjag Posted December 2, 2010 Report Share Posted December 2, 2010 An old one and not a very good one - 2 guys standing on the edge of a cliff, one wearing a Rangers strip the other wearing a Celtic strip. Along comes a gust of wind and blows the 2 off the cliff. Which one hits the deck 1st? Who gives a ****? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda-jag Posted December 2, 2010 Report Share Posted December 2, 2010 Roses are red Violets are blue I’ve got tourettes Shit fuk kunt poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meister Jag Posted December 2, 2010 Report Share Posted December 2, 2010 Steven Wright one-liner: "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy davie Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Steven Wright one-liner: "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." Same guy: "I bought a pack of batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy some more." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicofan Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 What did the incontinent tortoise say to his pal ???? Av Pi shed mashell.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddieg Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you should carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the bus this morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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