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The Jokes Thread


KAWB
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their

faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while

making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

Inspector', says the Coroner.

 

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,

spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

 

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

 

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,

30, struck by lightning.'

 

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

 

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

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MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

 

A new sign in the Bank reads:

 

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

 

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

 

*******************************

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

 

2. LOWER your car window.

 

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

 

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

 

6. Raise window.

 

7. Drive off.

 

*******************************

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

 

 

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

 

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

 

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

 

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

 

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

 

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

 

8. Insert card.

 

9. Re-insert card the right way.

 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

 

11. Enter PIN .

 

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

 

13. Enter amount of cash required.

 

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

 

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

 

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

 

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

 

18. Re-check makeup.

 

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

 

21. Retrieve card.

 

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

 

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

 

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

 

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

 

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

27. Release Hand Brake.

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A Chilean miner is making love to his wife for first time since release 'Can we switch the lights off?' he asks

 

'Of course honey'

 

'Can I have you from behind?' he then requests.

 

'Anything you want my brave boy' she replies

 

'Ok, can I call you Pedro?' :unsure:

What happens in the mines,

stays in the mines :P

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My mate's got a new eastern european girlfriend.

He's not too happy though, because it took her over 5 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

 

 

------------------

 

 

Elizabeth Fritzl has just tweeted the Chilean Miners............"70 days trapped underground?.......Big Fukcin deal ...!!!!!"

 

 

 

---------------

 

 

A bloke walks into a pharmacy and asks for some viagra.

Chemist says "I need some medical proof that you need it?"

Bloke replies "Will a photo of my wife do?!"

 

 

------------

 

A body of a woman was found with sperm all over her face.

Police think she saw her killer coming.

 

 

--------------

 

A kid came up to me today and said "whats your favourite tele tubby?"

I said "probably the samsung 42 inch flatscreen you cheeky little shite!"

 

 

-------------

 

 

School girl says to her mum "Mummy, I know where babies come from!".

Mum replies "Where's that then darling?".

Girl says "Mummy and Daddy take all their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!".

Mum says "Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done!".

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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club-

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

 

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

 

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

 

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

 

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

 

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

 

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

 

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

 

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

 

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

WELL DONE...

 

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Jimmy was dying and his wife knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you?"

"No" He replied.

"You must have a last wish?" asked his wife.

Faintly, came the answer. . . "Okay, some of that Glenmorangie malt would be nice"

"Oh... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral".

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

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