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The Jokes Thread


KAWB
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When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you should carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.

 

I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!

...and as if that wasn't bad enough, you were carrying a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.

 

hahahahhhahahaha I'm so funny !!!

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(Shamelessly plagiarised from yesterday's Off The Ball programme):

 

Teacher to classroom of 8 year-olds -

 

"Good morning children, today we'll be learning about collective nouns. Can any of you give me an example of a collective noun?"

 

(Aaron) "Miss, what about a flock of sheep?"

 

(Teacher) "That's excellent, Aaron. Any others?"

 

(Kylie) "A shoal of fish, miss".

 

(Teacher) "That's very good, Kylie. Yes, Johhny", she utters with justifiable apprehension.

 

(Wee Johnny) "Miss, how about a dose of crabs?"

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to f*rt.

 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

 

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was clapping and staring at me.

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!

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Wee Jimmy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks his father.

“The teacher asked: ‘How much is 2 x 3?’” replies Jimmy, “And I said ‘6′.”

“But that’s right!” says his father

“Then she asked me: ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”

“What’s the f**king difference?” asks the father. Jimmy adds “That’s what I said…” :)

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There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Got given a Jehovahs Witness advent calender earlier this month.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to phuck off.

 

 

 

Woman answers phone and pervert breathes "have you got a tight hairy twat?"

Woman says "yes, he's on the settee, do you want him?"

 

 

 

Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole."

She said "Do you think so?"

He says "Most defintely. She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat chunt!"

 

 

 

Two police women out on patrol with their alsatian.

One says "I'm getting cold, i've left my knickers back at the station."

The other says "Use the dog, give him a sniff of your snatch, and he'll fetch them for you".

So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.

2 hours later the dog returns with 2 truncheons, a broom, and 3 of the desk sergeant's fingers.

 

 

 

I was in Asda today with 2 full trolleys of booze and food, when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.

She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?"

She replied "Yes", so i did the decent thing and said "If i were you, i'd phuck off to another till, i'm gonna be ages."

 

 

 

Good News! I'm on Dragon's Den next week.

I've invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat.

 

 

 

How does every ethnic joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

 

 

 

A guy was driving down the motorway with his girlfriend when she said "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why is that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says 'ynnaf ro stit ruoy su wohs' "

 

 

 

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

So, from 1st January 2011, the forms will only be printed in English.

 

 

 

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted surry power instead of cocaine.

Both were rushed to hospital, one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka.

 

 

 

What do you call a street with......

No H u n s

No Presbytarians

No Orangemen

No Unionists, &

No Loyalists ?

 

......Quality Street !!

Edited by yoda-jag
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Teacher tells the class that they’ve been so good that she’s going to allow a couple of them to go home early if they can answer some general knowledge questions.

 

 

 

Teacher: “don’t ask what your country can do for you……”

 

 

Quick as a flash Liz says “speech by JFK miss”

 

 

 

Wee Jimmy is thinking “ya beauty, lets get out of here”.

 

 

 

Teacher: “Well done Liz, off you go home………..I have a dream…”

 

 

 

Wee Jimmy nearly gets his hand up but before he can Jeannie says “Martin Luther King miss”

 

 

 

Teacher: “brilliant Jeannie, off you go too.

 

 

 

Wee Jimmy “if only those two bitches had kept their mouth shut”…………

 

 

 

Teacher: who said that!

 

 

 

 

Wee Jimmy, “Tommy Sheriden miss………..see you the morra!

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Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

 

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

 

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

 

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.

"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

 

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

Edited by kni
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