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My grandad said to me earlier today "It's going to be a phucking nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"

I said in response "Tell me something I don't know...."

Grandad replied "Your Nana's arse can take my whole fist"

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My grandad said to me earlier today "It's going to be a phucking nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"

I said in response "Tell me something I don't know...."

Grandad replied "Your Nana's arse can take my whole fist"

 

Very rarely do I laugh like I just did.

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A tourist approached a local person in a village he was visiting in

Newfoundland and asked "What's the quickest way to Deer Lake?"

 

The local scratched his head,

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

 

"I'm driving" said the stranger.

 

The villager said "That's the quickest way!"

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A man has been taken to hospital after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his @rse. Doctors are describing his condition as stable.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck"

 

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. “It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub…What are you doing round this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer"

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money"

 

"I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?"

 

"At the circus" says the barman.

 

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

 

"That's right" replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

 

“With the big tent?"

 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

 

"Of course," the barman replies.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the phuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

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The husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....." :)

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A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one

hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

 

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"

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!!!!! INTERNET WARNING !!!!!

 

If you receive an email titled "PHOTO'S OF ANNE WIDDECOMBE NUDE" - do NOT open it !!

 

It contains photo's of Anne Widdecombe nude !!

 

:shok::o:shok::o:shok:

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My grandad said to me earlier today "It's going to be a phucking nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"

I said in response "Tell me something I don't know...."

Grandad replied "Your Nana's arse can take my whole fist"

 

Brilliant.

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Sat facing a gourgeous Thai bird on the train to work this morning. Thinking to myself "Please dont get an erection!! Please dont get an erection!!"

 

 

But she did.

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Sat facing a gourgeous Thai bird on the train to work this morning. Thinking to myself "Please dont get an erection!! Please dont get an erection!!"

 

 

But she did.

 

Excellent :D , but what's that?

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My mate is shagging twins.

I asked him, how do you tell them apart?

He said "It's easy. Sally's got massive tits, and Derek's got a moustache".

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Lone Ranger got captured by Indians.

The Big Chief said "I will kill you in 3 days, but before then, I will allow you three last wishes. What is your first wish?"

Lone Ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse".

Big Chief nods and the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear.

Silver gallops off, & two hours later comes back with a beautiful brunette, who spends the night with the Lone Ranger.

Next day, the Big Chief says "I'm impressed. What is your second wish?"

Lone Ranger says he wants to talk to Silver again.

He whispers in his ear, and Silver gallops off again, coming back three hours later with a blonde, even more stunning than the brunette.

She spends the night with the Lone Ranger and the brunette.

Next day, the Big Chief says "You have got style white man, but still you will die tomorrow. What is your last wish?"

The Lone Ranger wants to talk to his horse again.

He looks Silver in the eye and says "Get it right this time, you cloth eared twat. BRING POSSE !! "

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Sat facing a gourgeous Thai bird on the train to work this morning. Thinking to myself "Please dont get an erection!! Please dont get an erection!!"

 

 

But she did.

 

 

Excellent :D , but what's that?

Jeezo!!! Good question!!!! :blush::unknw::confused1:

Edited by crazy davie

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A Catholic priest is visiting his rabbi friend, and they go out for a walk. It's a hot summer day, so they decide to swim naked in a river in a secluded spot. But some locals happen to pass by, surprising the two bathers. The embarrassed priest immediately covers his willie with his hands, and the embarrassed rabbi covers his face. When the passers-by have gone, the priest asks the rabbi why he covered his face. "Well," he replied, "around here you get recognized by your face."

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