Things That Bug Me.

[Norman]

Hope I'm not "pre-emptying" one of Rid Skwerr's entries, but one I regularly use just for effect is ...

It's not rocket surgery, is it?

Can't remember where I heard it first, but always makes me smile. Edited August 3, 2010 by Norman

[Paulo]

When in a lunch-related conundrum, I do like 'it's not rocket salad'.

 

Mitchell and Webb did a good sketch along these lines. A guy is talking about how complicated his job is, and is introduced to a brain surgeon, who in turn is introduced to a rocket scientist. Cue humourous observation.

[Rid Skwerr]

Tuesday (language) Torture -

 

181. Put your foot down with a firm hand.

182. If this building goes right down off the air.

183. I got on the phone to him like a hot rod.

184. I saw red over the phone.

185. The proof's in the pudding.

186. That puts the nail right through the whole board.

187. Everyone's just haranguing about.

188. Put me in the background.

189. That's just food for fodder.

190. It just bit the dirt.

191. Putting the cart before the house.

192. It would worry you to the high teeth.

193. It was one of those occasions when you see blind.

194. You've got to draw a halt.

195. In vertical commas.

196. It's Hell's bells on Wednesday Friday.

197. A can of "Phantom".

198. Not for all the money in China.

199. Now you've got my hot potato.

200. I'm only trying to be ordinary.

 

 

 

Me - I'm off for a can of Phantom.....

[hamiltonjag]

People that take 4 pages to add the word "cyclists" to a thread.

 

Volvo drivers (except me and the wife of course)

 

 

I was on holiday!!

 

[John Blutarsky]

overhead signs on the m8. 'tiredness kills' - haven't ever heard anyone who has died of tiredness. there's a whole new batch that has appeared recently, which are random to say the least. 'red x is mandatory' - wtf? 'respect roadworkers' - why?

[gianlucatoni]

 

I was on holiday!!

 

 

 

where'd you go HJ ? .... Bellshill .. or did you push the boat out and drive badly in your cyclist scratched motor over to Lanark?

[Paulo]

there's a whole new batch that has appeared recently, which are random to say the least. 'red x is mandatory'

 

I saw this one the other day. I was guessing that Red X could only be a criminal mastermind, who, after having hacked into our traffic network, is trying to send us subliminal messages to support his plan of world dominance.

 

I almost crashed the car while thinking this.

[John Blutarsky]

ha, glad it's not just me. took me a while to work out that it's the red x that's illuminated overhead to indicate a lane closure.

[crazy davie]

[

Tuesday (language) Torture -

 

198. Not for all the money in China.

My wife came out with that once. Boy did I laugh.

 

Another one of hers, talking about a young guy she used to work beside - "he's a bit shy behind the ears"

[Norman]

overhead signs on the m8. 'tiredness kills' - haven't ever heard anyone who has died of tiredness. there's a whole new batch that has appeared recently, which are random to say the least. 'red x is mandatory' - wtf? 'respect roadworkers' - why?

 

From the trafficscotland.org website

Variable Message Signs – Background Messages Refresh

 

Traffic Scotland has historically been using background messages since 1995 on the variable message signs (VMS) located throughout Scotland’s Trunk Road Network. These background messages are used to display a variety of information messages when a VMS is not in use for operational purposes. This use of background messages provides several benefits – it demonstrates that the VMS is working, it indicates to drivers that there is no known problem on the trunk road network ahead of the driver, and it also utilises this opportunity to impart general information and guidance which promotes good driving practices to the road user. These messages are also used in support of safety campaigns which are introduced by the Police both on a local and a national basis.

 

A need for change. The range of background messages that were previously being used, and the timetable schedule used to distribute these messages have been in place for some time and required updating. After consultation with a number of professional bodies and consultation groups, Traffic Scotland has recently introduced a refreshed set of background messages together with a smarter method of deploying these messages on VMS throughout Scotland.

 

The review of the background messages was to make them more varied and also more relevant to the time or location that they are displayed. For example, it is not helpful to tell drivers that are stopped in a traffic queue to WATCH YOUR SPEED. The messages therefore are targeted so that they are relevant to the geographic location of the road, the type of road, seasonal variations, traffic congestion, tourism, public transport availability and so on... The extensive timetable for displaying the background messages has been prepared in advance using trunk road network knowledge together with operational experience.

 

One of the major benefits of using background messages that is being exploited is the ability to raise driver awareness of legal driver requirements. A prime example is RED X IS MANDATORY. While most motorway light signals are advisory, the red cross when displayed beside the carriageway of a road or on a gantry above a carriageway, is mandatory. It is therefore an offence to proceed in the traffic lane immediately below a red cross. Through raising driver awareness of this safety issue it is possible to improve red X compliance and therefore improve the safety of all road users.

 

As for respecting road workers, it might be worth remembering that they are people. They are people's sons and possibly brothers and fathers (at least the male ones are). I don't think I'd fancy a poorly paid job working on a road with only a line of traffic cones to protect me from HGVs and idiots in cars whose only aim is to get to the next tailback 20 seconds earlier.

[Graemei]

I recently started a thread in another forum about the new overhead gantry signs. Had quite a chuckle at the "think about car share"

Was just thinking to myself, ok that's me thought about it, I know that's not funny at all... But why wouldn't they have "Why not car share?" or something.

 

Also saw a "Keep windscreen clear" I'm really glad it was there, I had actually gathered a good deal of water on the windscreen and only just made out what the gantry said and managed to avoid disaster.

 

I find it quite annoying if you don't drink coffee in the office but yet are expected to take a turn making/buying coffees. Sooner or later someone is going to get a teaspoon buried in their face.

 

Edited to add. People that think coffee is the greatest thing ever but don't think chewing gum is any good!

Edited August 4, 2010 by Graemei

[John Blutarsky]

From the trafficscotland.org website

 

 

As for respecting road workers, it might be worth remembering that they are people. They are people's sons and possibly brothers and fathers (at least the male ones are). I don't think I'd fancy a poorly paid job working on a road with only a line of traffic cones to protect me from HGVs and idiots in cars whose only aim is to get to the next tailback 20 seconds earlier.

 

jeez-oh! the tenor of this thread is so obviously humorous. is a the tongue-firmly-in-cheek smiley really needed?

[Norman]

jeez-oh! the tenor of this thread is so obviously humorous. is a the tongue-firmly-in-cheek smiley really needed?

Apologies. It's one of those topics that strikes a nerve.

[Blackpool Jags]

Tuesday (language) Torture -

 

 

 

Me - I'm off for a can of Phantom.....

 

That was used by my old work colleague (see above), but in a different context. For example, when he was baffled by something he'd say: "I cannae phantom that out". Also, when he was stunned by something or stuck for words he'd say he was "dumbfolded".

[hamiltonjag]

where'd you go HJ ? .... Bellshill .. or did you push the boat out and drive badly in your cyclist scratched motor over to Lanark?

Nah.... I toured the South Side in ma motor looking for a two-wheeled joker in lycra shorts, plastic hat and a Jags top.

 

I'll get ya next time

Edited August 4, 2010 by hamiltonjag

[twinny]

I recently started a thread in another forum about the new overhead gantry signs. Had quite a chuckle at the "think about car share"

Was just thinking to myself, ok that's me thought about it, I know that's not funny at all... But why wouldn't they have "Why not car share?" or something.

 

Also saw a "Keep windscreen clear" I'm really glad it was there, I had actually gathered a good deal of water on the windscreen and only just made out what the gantry said and managed to avoid disaster.

 

 

It's a bit off topic, but I remember once on the M1 seeing a sign where it presumably had once said "Roadworks | END" but had been changed to "Don't drink and drive | END".

[gianlucatoni]

Nah.... I toured the South Side in ma motor looking for a two-wheeled joker in lycra shorts, plastic hat and a Jags top.

 

I'll get ya next time

 

 

Was in my motor with my leather mini skirt and high heels - anyhow I told you before i don't have no lycra - why you no rissen?!!!

[Rid Skwerr]

Into our 3rd century of linguistic gymnastics.....

 

201. That was before house prices hit the market.

202. We made it quite adamant.

203. We are masters of our own destination.

204. At any given stretch of the imagination.

205. You three are a pair of idiots

206. We just want an eye sight of what's going on.

207. Panicking like the clappers.

208. With all disrespect.

209. Scape-goat hunting.

210. There's a happy fellow tinkling away there on a machine.

211. He got it off by pat.

212. I'll keep my ear to the grindstone.

213. You'll be glad to get that headache from under your feet.

214. I've just broken the back of the house.

215. They're not going to pass the goat on this one.

216. The cricket was played on a dead-pan pitch.

217. They will just bull rush this through.

218. You're cutting off your neck.

219. They were all hot and bothered under the collar.

220. Just to keep our face in it.

 

 

 

My faves - you three are a pair of idiots and Panicking like the clappers.

[Jack Osbourne snr]

Nah.... I toured the South Side in ma motor looking for a two-wheeled joker in lycra shorts, plastic hat and a Jags top.

 

I'll get ya next time

 

 

Was in my motor with my leather mini skirt and high heels - anyhow I told you before i don't have no lycra - why you no rissen?!!!

 

He's confused...he thought he was looking for me...

 

Catch me on the road out to Drymen c. 0830 on Sunday... If you think your motor is hard enough.

[Blackpool Jags]

Into our 3rd century of linguistic gymnastics.....

 

201. That was before house prices hit the market.

202. We made it quite adamant.

203. We are masters of our own destination.

204. At any given stretch of the imagination.

205. You three are a pair of idiots

206. We just want an eye sight of what's going on.

207. Panicking like the clappers.

208. With all disrespect.

209. Scape-goat hunting.

210. There's a happy fellow tinkling away there on a machine.

211. He got it off by pat.

212. I'll keep my ear to the grindstone.

213. You'll be glad to get that headache from under your feet.

214. I've just broken the back of the house.

215. They're not going to pass the goat on this one.

216. The cricket was played on a dead-pan pitch.

217. They will just bull rush this through.

218. You're cutting off your neck.

219. They were all hot and bothered under the collar.

220. Just to keep our face in it.

 

 

 

My faves - you three are a pair of idiots and Panicking like the clappers.

 

Every one a gem. Looking forward to the continued serialisation of Tonyisms.

 

I've even got non-forumites (of the Hunnic persuasion ) on to me for the latest offerings.

[hamiltonjag]

He's confused...he thought he was looking for me...

 

Catch me on the road out to Drymen c. 0830 on Sunday... If you think your motor is hard enough.

My Volvo's well-'ard.

[spider jag]

Fekkin PAVEMENT CYCLISTS! Argh! Especially the ones that that yell at YOU if they nearly collide with you, and they always seem to be pure posh people, too!. Usually shut their face sharpish when you remind 'em its illegal to cycle on the pavement - "ooh but the traffics scary!"

GRRRRR!

 

Sorry, had a few run-ins today and the anger in the bloods still fresh!

[alx]

Fekkin PAVEMENT CYCLISTS! Argh! Especially the ones that that yell at YOU if they nearly collide with you, and they always seem to be pure posh people, too!.

 

There was a 'trustafarian' lassie cyclist (10:1 art school student) in Sauchiehall St a few months ago who was... get this... ringing her bell for pedestrians to get out of the way... on the PAVEMENT! What a boot, I was hoping for a street urchin to put a stick in her spokes.

[spider jag]

There was a 'trustafarian' lassie cyclist (10:1 art school student) in Sauchiehall St a few months ago who was... get this... ringing her bell for pedestrians to get out of the way... on the PAVEMENT! What a boot, I was hoping for a street urchin to put a stick in her spokes.

 

Exact thing happened to me! Didn't hear this lassie cos i had my ipod plugged in. I must be an idiot, walkin along the pavement not expectin to get hit by traffic. I pulled my earphone out after she nearly slammed into me from behind and she actually said (in pure plummy english!) "Bloody hell! Didn't you hear my ruddy Bell!" or something to that effect. Unbelievable.

 

Mibbe it was same person!....

[Graemei]

Exact thing happened to me! Didn't hear this lassie cos i had my ipod plugged in. I must be an idiot, walkin along the pavement not expectin to get hit by traffic. I pulled my earphone out after she nearly slammed into me from behind and she actually said (in pure plummy english!) "Bloody hell! Didn't you hear my ruddy Bell!" or something to that effect. Unbelievable.

 

Mibbe it was same person!....

 

 

Fully deserving a kick in the testicles, I know it's a lassie. But still.

 

People on the motorway who, even though are leaving a huge gap, still brake whenever the person in front of them contemplates even touching the brake! Christ almighty!